Sunday, June 25, 2006

Another Twins milestone

Here's the problem with the Twins this year: they had a really shitty April. I mean, really, really shitty. The exact numbers escape me right now, but they weren't good by any measure. Well, I guess they were good if you're the Royals, but for a professional team, they were not that good.

But they've started winning a whole bunch now (13 of their last 15) and they've safely placed themselves a hearty 4 games above .500 and a scant 10 games back in the wild card race.

But their biggest problems is that the two teams ahead of them not only have the numbers 1 and 2 best records in all of the majors; they also never fucking lose! While the Twins are 9-1 in their last 10 games, so are both Detroit and Chicago. Meaning, of course, that even though the Twinkies have been on a ridiculous win streak as of late (at one point winning 8 straight), they're still 11 games behind in their division, even though in any other division they would be only 4 games back, max. Sigh.

So, as a Twins fan, you start to learn how to appreciate the little things. That's what makes today so huge. With their 8-1 win over the hapless Cubs today, the Twins have finally reached a point in the season in which they have scored more runs than their opponents on the year. That's right, it now stands at:

Twins Opponents:348

And the season just keeps getting better...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Class Warfare?

A group of over 200 wealthy Minnesotans has taken out a full page ad in the strib today, arguing that the state needs more money and they can afford to pay it in the form of higher taxes.

Marxism if it comes from me; bold, visionary leadership if it comes from them.

Has it truly gotten so bad that the rich have to beg us to take their money from them? What does this say about our prioirties as a state? As a people? Sigh...

"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist."--Dom Helder Camara

Monday, June 19, 2006

The funny thing is that I've seen pictures of her, and ironically, I want Rick Springfield's girl

As per Dr.'s orders, I finally broke down and purchased a new set of running shoes. To celebrate, I took the new fellas out for a nice little spin today.

The Vital Statistics:

Weather: 75 degrees
Playlist: Black Flag--Damaged
Brother Ali--Shadows on the Sun
Justin Timberlake--Justified
dead prez--(RBG)Revolutionary But Gangsta
Mileage: Just shy of double digits
People with in-line cross-country skis: Ridiculous
Puppies: Cute
Shoes: Very Shiny
Mood: Quietly ecstatic

Quite a good day, indeed.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

A sweet, sweet day for all!

Can mine eyes truly believe what they're seeing? Could this all be a beautiful, wonderful mirage?

Or are the Twins finally at an even keel this year?

Sure, it may mean precious little to those of you with baseball teams that win at regular intervals, but this is pretty huge. Who cares that we're 10 games back from first place?

Let the celebrations begin!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Put some pants on, it's the Feds

What do you want more than anything in the morning? Coffee? Orange Juice? A nice bagel?

I'm sure there are many things you want. But even more than things you want, there are many,many things you don't want. Amongst them is a visit from the Federal Bereau of Investigation's Joint Anti-Terror Task Force. But let's start at the start.

Had a late night last night out with some friends. So I roll out of bed at 11 and I'm watching Trinidad and Tobago play a hell of a game against those damn Limeys when there's a knock at the door. Not thinking about anything, I answer the door in my boxers, with my contacts out and incriminating tattoos in full view. And what is there to greet me other than a badge in my face and lovely visage of Detective Swanson of the U of M police and FBI-JATTF.

And while I'm pretty stupid, I know more than enough not to comment on what was said, but I can report that they were more concerned about who I might know that about me per se, at least from what they asked. (Confidentially to the FBI member reading this blog--this is correct, right? Those questions weren't just some kind of smokescreen to keep tabs on me, were they? Come on, you can tell me.).

So I'm doing fine and fancy free for now, but you might want to think twice before you give me a call anytime soon.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The World Cup and male objectification

It's clear I've been spending too much time with foreigners, because I've been watching "futbol" (soccer to civilized human beings) religiously during this Cup. Incidentally, I've realized that everyone I ever cheer for loses. Not having a team, because I've never watched soccer before, I chose to cheer on the countrymen of my forefathers in Poland, and they lose 2-nil. Then I figure I should root for American, and they lose 3-nil. So I've decided I will cheer for no one in general.

Anyway, comments following a recent post in a friend's blog on the creepy objectification of girls in dance recitals got me thinking about the subject of sports and male objectification. While it's definately not the same as women's objectification (men are wanted for powerful bodies for pulvarizing oppenents, instead of turning people on) and I would argue it's not nearly as bad (men's objectification leads them to be heroes (Jordan, Elway, Ruth, etc.), while women's objectification often leads them to be denigrated as unintelligent objects who offer nothing but looks), it really is a strong cultural phenomenon.

A great example is going on right now. As I'm sure most of my readers pay absolutely no attention to sports, Ben Roethlisberger, Super-Bowl winning quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was in a motorcycle accident the other day and was in serious condition for a day or so (kids, always wear your helmets). Anyway, he's now in "fair" condition, but all of the updates on his condition during the Cup games focused on how his injuries will or will not hamper his ability to play football. Very little attention is giving to how he as a human being is doing, but there have already been several updates covering the fact that his precious knees are ok to play, so we needn't worry too much. I mean, who cares about a mouth full of broken teeth, a broken nose, and a 9-inch laceration on the back of his head? You don't need a nose or teeth to throw a ball. But this further raises the point that perhaps I'm not right in assuming men's objectification affords them status and respect, as no matter how many Super Bowls rings Big Ben wins, we still only want to know if he'll be able to win another one, not if he's going to live a healthy and happy life.

This motorcycle accident is not covered on t.v. because this person assumably cannot throw a football with a very good spiral
Oh, and just for the record, this is actually a sculpture, so don't be too grossed out

Monday, June 12, 2006

Uneventful weekend

Not too much going on this weekend...the folks came up, we went to a ballgame, got my Bradke bobblehead (complete with painted-on stubble) and the Twins actually won, which makes me 4-1 in games I go watch. I think that gives me a pretty compelling case for a free set of season tickets, don't you? That was pretty much it. Nothing new to report. No snarky comments about politicians, pop stars, or ugly babies, even though I saw a really ugly baby this weekend. Hopefully something very exciting will happen to me this evening, and then I'll have something to write about tommorow. So...uh...come back tommorow.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Don't you hate pants?

I had a lengthy discussion once with a friend of mine about how amazing Google is. Not only has it indexed all the information in the world, but in a only a few short years, it has transformed itself from a noun into a verb. To look something up online is now to "google" it, and it doesn't seem as if that's going to change very soon. So pretty much everyone has googled themselves at one point in time, and it's a natural part of one's sexual growth.

I've googled myself on numerous occassions, and have found that not only am I me (I'm the first Jesse Wozniak that comes up in the search--take that posers), but I'm also an ATV racer and parts salesman whose house burned down once, and a celebrity photographer. In a weird nexus of the universe type instance, I found a photo were Jesse Wozniak the photographer seems to have photographed Jesse Wozniak the ATV racer, and now Jesse Wozniak the blogger is writing about it, making it even crazier.

But I had never googled myself for images. But I finally did last night due to the coolest website I've ever found. has made cyber stalking your ex girlfriends so rediculously easy it should be illegal. It automatically scans friendster, facebook, google, google image, myspace, and the blogosphere for names that match the name you've enetered. Now you no longer even need go through the work of hiding in the bushes outside Chef Boyardee's house. You can simply sit in the comfort of your own house and stalk away.

So I learned many great things using this service, but the part that makes this relevant is that it lead me to finally see what comes up when you google me for images. This is the fist picture you'll see:

Yep, the first thing you'll see is me with no pants on. That outta make Ma proud. God bless the internet.

Friday, June 09, 2006

The stress is killing me


Finally went to the Dr.'s office today. See, a few weeks ago, I found a big lump on my leg. It was fun--you could poke it, it was squishy, funny colored, and a huge bump. Well, the bump eventually went down, but it still really hurts, so I went to the Sports Medicine doc (I'm so athletic even my Doctrs are sporty). Well, after many x-rays and too much time, I learned that it was all inconclusive. So I have to go in wednesday for a bone scan. I have no idea what a bone scan is, but I know they have to inject me with something for it. Creepy. But it's better than assuming I have the stress fracture, because then it's back to crutches for me. I hate crutches, because strangers always feel like they have a right to know why you're on crutches, and it sucks when your story is that you run with old shoes.

So what have a I learned from my visit to the hospital? In order:

1) Hospitals are confusing. They're much more confusing when you're hung over and you slept with your contacts in so you can't see.

2) IF your running shoes are too old, you get a lecture from Dr. All-America about how you really need new shoes. It goes on for quite some time.

3) If an Anishnabe woman says she'll take you to White Castle, she's lieing.

4) When your Doctor says to stay off you leg, don't go play Softball all hung over and running around on it. That hurts.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The Mark of the Beast explained!


Perhaps you are a millennialism Christian and you feel the end times a comin'. And it would seem that you have ample evidence...the date was 6/6/06, Rick Rubin is producing the Dixie Chicks, and Ann Coulter has released a new book. What could possibly offer us redemption from this most unholy of days?

Fret not, my fundamentalist friend! For last night, in the waning hours of 6/6/(0)6, Major League Baseball saw it fit to solve this millenia-old probelm of God vs. Satan by staging a baseball game between the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Alaska, Antartica, Auburn, and Arkansas.

The outcome?

Angels: 12
Devils: 2

Thus forever proving that God is exactly 6 times as strong as Satan. And that Satan's starting pitching could really benefit from a better curve ball.

Tommorow's topic: Which God was it that proved its superiority last night? Stay tuned!

Friday, June 02, 2006

"They stop to buy a Milky Way, discover we have Chardonnay"

So goes a line from the song "Step Across the Aisle" from the soon-to-be award-winning musical "Wal~Mart:The Musical."

The song is about trying to sell trendier things in the gigantic store.

But yes, to answer your inevitable question, this is real. At their annual stockholder's meeting, executives, employees, and stockholders alike were treated to the delightful new musical, featuring people dancing with shopping carts, and large video-projected messages from the Board of Directors, because when I think "musical," I think "large video-projected messages from the board of directors."

But it wasn't just a musical, the share-holders meeting also featured a number performed by Beyonce and the most-recent American Idol winner. Now that's something to get you investing.

Oh, and for those of you who are all "fuck the man, duuuuude" it should be noted that shareholders called for less of a disparity between executive pay and average worker poverty wage, disclosure of political contributions, and humane slaughter of chicken sold in the store, but thankfully the Reuters article on the evnt ends simply with the sentence "None of the shareholder proposals introduced at the meeting was approved."

As always, "I'm not making this up!รค"

Support the Chairman

My regrets to Batgirl for basically stealing this whole post. But I'm furthering the cause, so she'll be happy.

Let me break down a little scenario for you. Let's say there's a young catcher who's having an amazing first half. He leads all batters with a .361 BA and he has one of the best put-out percentages amongst all catchers. A player who was drafted quite highly, many expected him to become a phenom, and it looks as if it's starting now. But he's not even among the top-five vote getters for the All-Star game! Why would that be?

Well, since it obviously has nothingt to do with the way he plays the game (since he's playing better than any other catcher in both leagues), could it possibly have something to do with the fact that he plays for a small-market team that's not doing that well this year? Could he be having the exact opposite problem of a certain Yankees catcher that isn't having that great of a season, but is getting a shitload of votes for some reason?

Either way, take some time and trudge on over to the All-Star ballot and vote for the Chairman!

Take a great leap the All-Star game!