Friday, August 12, 2005

Crime Watch: Who will Bush arrest first?

Will it be...

A) Osama Bin Laden, the man who orchestrated the 9/11 attacks and is still conducting terrorist attacks


B) Cindy Sheehan, mother of a American soldier who died in combat in Iraq

While the CIA says it had Bin Laden trapped in early 2002 but the President refused to send enough troops to capture him, he has made it clear that if the grieving mother of a fallen soldier sets foot on his ranch in texas, she will be arrested as a threat to national security.

So what does Mrs. Sheehan want that's so intimidating?

She wants one hour of Bush's time during his 5-week long vacation to explain to him why she and all of the other members of Gold Star Families for Peace (families that have lost a loved on in combat) want him to bring the troops home so no one else's children have to die. This, of course, being a much more greivous crime than ramming planes into the World Trade Center.

Which one will it be, Mr. Bush?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Who wouldn't want a baby girl named after a boy named after a girl?

 So my friend/improv troupe director Doug is about to have a baby. Well, technically his wife Laurel is about to have the baby, but you know what I mean. Anyway, the baby was due on the first of August, but it's still hanging out, enjoying yet another perfect day in the womb, making it 8 days late. On his homepage, Doug has a "baby watch," and will let the world know what day the little girl (potentially known as "Francie"...blech) has entered the world.

Now, the catch is that the 11th is my birthday. This means that if the little one holds out for a mere two more days, she and I will share the day of our birth, mine having come a scant 23 years before hers. Now, at that point, being a good friend of the family, and all-around renaissance man, it would only seem appropriate that they name their child after me. Yes, Jesse Scott Genesius Wozniak Palmer Shaw. Sounds pretty good to me. Much, much better than "Francie," at least.

The problem is that despite the numerous times I have brought this idea up, Doug and Laurel politely laugh and then change the subject, as if I'm making some sort of poorly conceived joke. To show them I'm serious, I need your help with my petition. I have started a letter campaign asking them to name their child after me if it is indeed born on the 11th. An adendum to the letter asks Laurel to hold out until the 11th to ensure that this happens. I need you, loyal reader, to send a copy of the letter to Doug in the hopes that enough letters will sway their opinion. Please send letters to You may feel free to compose your own letter, or simply copy and paste the letter below:

To Dr. Douglas Shaw and Laurel Palmer (which I'm vaguely certain is her last name...on second thought, better just leave that out),

As a concerned citizen, it has come to my attention that you two are about to become the bearers of a new human life. As countless medical and psychological studies have shown, a child's name can have a great impact on future health and well-being. Therefore, as first time parents, you undoubtedly want to give your child a moniker that will bring her health and good fortune through all the years. That is why I would like to add my voice to the growing number of conceerned individuals that request your child's name be Jesse Scott Genesius Wozniak, with whatever last names you deem appropriate to saddle her with as well. In addition, I would like to request Laurel to postpone delivery of the child until the 11th of August, in the year of our Lord 2005, but no later, as this has been proven to be a day on which exceptionally attractive and talented people have been born (such as wrestling Hall-of-Fame member Terry "Hulk" Hogan and holder of the world's highest recorded IQ/parade magazine advice columnist Marilyn Vos Savant). In so doing this, you will be giving a gift not only to your unborn child, but to the future of humanity.
In solidarity with your momentous task,
Johnathon Quincy Public

Friday, August 05, 2005

A Great Day for common sense

CNN has just announced that they have indefinately suspended conservative/creepy commentator Robert Novak after he had a tempertantrum on air in which he swore at James Carville (which, admittedly, most of us want to do) and then stormed off the set. You might remember Novak as the man who committed treason by publishing, in his nationally syndicated column, that Valerie Plame is an undercover CIA agent, thus putting her life in great danger. Of course, it was in no way connected to the fact that Mz. Plame's husband, Joe Wilson (also a CIA agent), was a very vocal critic of the President's reasoning for going to war. Oh, and his storming off the set has nothing to with the fact that the moderator was just about to ask him about the investigation into his treason. I'm sure there's a very valid reason for all of this, and that history will prove Novak was only trying to serve his country. In the meantime, you can watch the footage of his entire career being destroyed here.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

A Visual Guide to My Education

I've mentioned a few times in my blog that I'm finally leaving Iowa and beginning graduate school at the University of Minnesota. This lead me to do some misty-eyed reflecting on my past educational experiences. More specifically, I've spent a large amount of time reflecting on how idiotic school mascots are. Here, presented for the first time, is a life that can contend for having endured the worst ideas people have ever had to create school spirit.

High School: Rodger Dodger

Since I couldn't find and online image, I was forced to draw a composite sketch, although this is pretty much it. His name is Rodger Dodger (quite descriptive in and of itself), and as to what he is, your guess is as good as mine. Top hat? Life-sized promotional battery? Friendly anthropomorphic bong? All I know is that the outfit required someone under 5'4" to wear it, so the majority of the time, we didn't have a mascot.

Undergrad: T.C. Panther

This is the mascot of the University of Northern Iowa Panthers, seen here cavorting with a drunken elderly woman. Quite ferocious and at least of discernable genesis. Yes, just like De La Soul, I graduated from UNI-versity. Anecdotally, I once saw T.C. in the student union while I was studying. Apparently, the cheerleading squad, in conjunction with some fraternity, was offering to take your picture with T.C. for a fee to benefit some charity. Seriously. I remember that he (and he is a an article here in which he relates having to beat up a high school student in self-defense) spent quite a bit of time at the tables of attractive women. Now, I can't help but wonder what he was thinking. He can't be seen or heard from inside there. But he seemed to be fully expecting to stumble onto a girl sitting there thinking "I have such a void in my life. If only I could fill it with sex with a man who isn't afraid to dress up in an over-sized novelty animal costume." Oh, and what does the "T.C." stand for, you ask? It stands for "The Cat." Yes, his full name is "The Cat Panther." However, even this redundant name does not take the cake, for there is also...

Grad School: Goldie Gopher

Yes, now I will be represented by Goldie the Golden Gopher, seen here conferring an honorary degree upon State Representative Gene Pelowski. I think "Goldie" may be even more stupid than "The Cat Panther," but it's a pretty close call.

Although over my career I may have totalled the highest number of idiotic mascots, I didn't hit the worst of them. For example, I could have been any of these:

In the religious category, we have the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest, as well as the Battlin' Bishops of Ohio Wesleyan. Of course, they don't match the loveliness of Lansig (Mich) Lugnuts or the Akron (Ohio) Zips. Then there's my personal favorites, the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.

However, none of these are overtaken by the Arkansas Tech Wonder Boys who preseumably at one point in time had both Michael Douglas and Toby Maguire playing for them, with a pep band soundtrack by Bob Dylan.