Tuesday, August 02, 2005

A Visual Guide to My Education

I've mentioned a few times in my blog that I'm finally leaving Iowa and beginning graduate school at the University of Minnesota. This lead me to do some misty-eyed reflecting on my past educational experiences. More specifically, I've spent a large amount of time reflecting on how idiotic school mascots are. Here, presented for the first time, is a life that can contend for having endured the worst ideas people have ever had to create school spirit.

High School: Rodger Dodger

Since I couldn't find and online image, I was forced to draw a composite sketch, although this is pretty much it. His name is Rodger Dodger (quite descriptive in and of itself), and as to what he is, your guess is as good as mine. Top hat? Life-sized promotional battery? Friendly anthropomorphic bong? All I know is that the outfit required someone under 5'4" to wear it, so the majority of the time, we didn't have a mascot.

Undergrad: T.C. Panther

This is the mascot of the University of Northern Iowa Panthers, seen here cavorting with a drunken elderly woman. Quite ferocious and at least of discernable genesis. Yes, just like De La Soul, I graduated from UNI-versity. Anecdotally, I once saw T.C. in the student union while I was studying. Apparently, the cheerleading squad, in conjunction with some fraternity, was offering to take your picture with T.C. for a fee to benefit some charity. Seriously. I remember that he (and he is a he...read an article here in which he relates having to beat up a high school student in self-defense) spent quite a bit of time at the tables of attractive women. Now, I can't help but wonder what he was thinking. He can't be seen or heard from inside there. But he seemed to be fully expecting to stumble onto a girl sitting there thinking "I have such a void in my life. If only I could fill it with sex with a man who isn't afraid to dress up in an over-sized novelty animal costume." Oh, and what does the "T.C." stand for, you ask? It stands for "The Cat." Yes, his full name is "The Cat Panther." However, even this redundant name does not take the cake, for there is also...

Grad School: Goldie Gopher

Yes, now I will be represented by Goldie the Golden Gopher, seen here conferring an honorary degree upon State Representative Gene Pelowski. I think "Goldie" may be even more stupid than "The Cat Panther," but it's a pretty close call.

Although over my career I may have totalled the highest number of idiotic mascots, I didn't hit the worst of them. For example, I could have been any of these:

In the religious category, we have the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest, as well as the Battlin' Bishops of Ohio Wesleyan. Of course, they don't match the loveliness of Lansig (Mich) Lugnuts or the Akron (Ohio) Zips. Then there's my personal favorites, the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.

However, none of these are overtaken by the Arkansas Tech Wonder Boys who preseumably at one point in time had both Michael Douglas and Toby Maguire playing for them, with a pep band soundtrack by Bob Dylan.

1 comment:

Howzi said...

Mary Baldwin College... fighting squirrels (and also home of Todd Ristau, I think?).

And no mascot ever in the history of mascottery is worse than Youppi.