So my friend/improv troupe director Doug is about to have a baby. Well, technically his wife Laurel is about to have the baby, but you know what I mean. Anyway, the baby was due on the first of August, but it's still hanging out, enjoying yet another perfect day in the womb, making it 8 days late. On his homepage, Doug has a "baby watch," and will let the world know what day the little girl (potentially known as "Francie"...blech) has entered the world.
Now, the catch is that the 11th is my birthday. This means that if the little one holds out for a mere two more days, she and I will share the day of our birth, mine having come a scant 23 years before hers. Now, at that point, being a good friend of the family, and all-around renaissance man, it would only seem appropriate that they name their child after me. Yes, Jesse Scott Genesius Wozniak Palmer Shaw. Sounds pretty good to me. Much, much better than "Francie," at least.
The problem is that despite the numerous times I have brought this idea up, Doug and Laurel politely laugh and then change the subject, as if I'm making some sort of poorly conceived joke. To show them I'm serious, I need your help with my petition. I have started a letter campaign asking them to name their child after me if it is indeed born on the 11th. An adendum to the letter asks Laurel to hold out until the 11th to ensure that this happens. I need you, loyal reader, to send a copy of the letter to Doug in the hopes that enough letters will sway their opinion. Please send letters to email@example.com. You may feel free to compose your own letter, or simply copy and paste the letter below:
To Dr. Douglas Shaw and Laurel Palmer (which I'm vaguely certain is her last name...on second thought, better just leave that out),
As a concerned citizen, it has come to my attention that you two are about to become the bearers of a new human life. As countless medical and psychological studies have shown, a child's name can have a great impact on future health and well-being. Therefore, as first time parents, you undoubtedly want to give your child a moniker that will bring her health and good fortune through all the years. That is why I would like to add my voice to the growing number of conceerned individuals that request your child's name be Jesse Scott Genesius Wozniak, with whatever last names you deem appropriate to saddle her with as well. In addition, I would like to request Laurel to postpone delivery of the child until the 11th of August, in the year of our Lord 2005, but no later, as this has been proven to be a day on which exceptionally attractive and talented people have been born (such as wrestling Hall-of-Fame member Terry "Hulk" Hogan and holder of the world's highest recorded IQ/parade magazine advice columnist Marilyn Vos Savant). In so doing this, you will be giving a gift not only to your unborn child, but to the future of humanity.
In solidarity with your momentous task,
Johnathon Quincy Public