Great News! I am at least the 3,248,079,000th sexiest person in the world!
Recently, the Boston Phoenix came out with the list of the 100 unsexiest men, lead by the nasally-voiced Gilbert Gottfried and including such luminaries as Dr. Phil and Carrot Top. Though it has some notable missing persons (no Dom Delouise?!? Hello?!? Do they not watch Hollywood Squares?), it is probably more notable for who is not on the list.
Me.
That's right! While I may not be the most popular person with the ladies, I'm not on the list. Thus, according to world population estimates, I have to be at least the 3,248,079,000th sexiest person in the world, outranking even Brad Pitt (no kidding, check out the list), long known to be the only man I would be willing to forsake my years of paintakingly crafted heterosexual identity for.
But come to think of it, nearly all of the men on the list are from America, with the only exceptiong being Osama Bin Laden, and given the trouble we've had finding him, he may well be in America. As such, that means I have to be at least the 146,679,000 sexiest man in America!
I'm 146,679,000!
I'm 146,679,000!
Whoo!
Too bad I'm taken, ladies. You've all missed out on your chance to get with someone in the top 146,679,000. Losers.
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