Thursday, March 30, 2006

The joys of statistical research

I'm not a statistician (which would explain my lack of aeronautical experience) and I don't even come close to enjoying statistics in any way, shape, or form. However, criminologists love stats, so I feel the need to do some.

But if you're running a stats equation that has (roughly) 56,000,000,000 cases (not joking), it takes for ever. Thus, your time is freed up to write stream-of-consience plays. Although this is not funny, it did take me 15 minutes to write. It will take you 2 minutes to read. Please do not judge me by it.

A Play That is Not Funny
By Jesse Wozniak

Dude 1: Dude 2, time for a little smokey smokey!

Dude 2: (nervously pacing the room)Man, now is not the time or the place.

Dude 1: What do you mean? It’s always both the time and the place for smoking.

Dude 2: Usually I would agree with you, my esteemed colleague. But right now I’m in the middle of a zen-like revelation about the continuity of the universe.

Dude 1: Woah, dude 2. Sounds like I need to smoke up to hear this shit! (Begins rolling joint)

Dude 2: Not so fast, hombre. I need you at 135% to hear this particular shit.

Dude 1: (discards joint, does line of coke instead) At 135 and ready to go, good sir!

Dude 2: Good. Maybe you should sit down for this. (Dude 1 sits on floor) I just realized that the entire universe is connected.

Dude 1: Dude 2, you must be losing it. That’s not new. I realized that like 10 years ago during a performance by Stairway to Rock, the Led Zeppelin cover band.

Dude 2: I know, and I read your ‘zine about it. But I have proof.

Dude 1: Proof that’s even more convincing than a poorly Xeroxed rant written by someone on hallucinogens?

Dude 2: Yes.

Dude 1: Woah…do tell.

Dude 2: Do you remember the short-lived Fox television series, Mef and Red?

Dude 1: Easily, it was one of the very few short-lived Fox television shows that was cancelled with good cause.

Dude 2: Exactly. As you will well recall, it starred the ever-interchangeable Method Man and Red Man of the Wu-Tang clan.

Dude 1: Don’t forget a magnificently talented supporting player in Nancy Walls.

Dude 2: Yes, the only Daily Show correspondent to move on to another show prior to the Colbert report, but that is not relevant to the story. As you will also recall, in between running from the FBI and before his untimely death, the Wu Tang clan used to feature Ol’ Dirty Bastard, a/k/a Dirt McGirt, a/k/a Big Baby Jesus.

Dude 1: Of course.

Dude 2: Well then you will also remember that ODB’s one mainstream hit was the song “Got yo money,” in which a buxom young lady sang the chorus of “Hey, Dirty, baby I got yo money.”

Dude 1: Yes, it was quite the catchy tune.

Dude 2: Well, then you will also remember that this particular young lady went by the name of Kelis, and in addition to minor success of her own as a solo artist, also is married to Nas.

Dude 1: Again, common knowledge.

Dude 2: Well, then you may have recently noticed that Nas and Jay-Z have finally patched up their long-standing beef.

Dude 1: Sure, it made quite the headlines.

Dude 2: Exactly. And if you had paid attention, you would have known the beef started with Jay-Z boasting that he had an affair with Nas’ baby-momma and Nas firing back that the jigga man had a distinct resemblance to J.J. “dy-no-mite” Evans.

Dude 1: Amongst other things.

Dude 2: Exactly. But what fewer people know is that J.J. Evans once starred in a series of commercials for the rapidly-disintegrating Little Ceasar’s pizza chain.

Dude 1: Fucking "pizza, pizza" dude!

Dude 2: Yes, we all loved those commercials. But did you know that a single supreme pizza of theirs contains 2,700 calories and 104 grams of fat?

Dude 1: No way!

Dude 2: Oh, it’s quite true. But as one can gleam from the infamous “pizza, pizza” chant, you did not receive a single pizza with your order, but rather two pizzas of equal size.

Dude 1: Of course. You could share with a friend or loved one, unlike all other pizza chains, which force your friends and loved ones to go hungry whilst you eat a pizza by yourself.

Dude 2: Yes, we all loved their generosity.

Dude 1: Totally. But what is the point of this?

Dude 2: Remember when we used to get high and watch Mef and Red and order Little Caesars’ pizzas?

Dude 1: Fuck yeah. Wacky Wednesdays in the house!

Dude 2: Well, I think I’m having a heart attack. (Dude 2 slumps over dead)

Dude 1: Woah.


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