It was so polite of them to invite us, but we prefer cake to thousands of our children dead

So there are a precious, precious few in the White House press corps who still feel the need to do their job. This little doozy of a gem of a conversation came out the other day as Scott McClellan, the White House press seceratary, defended the invasion:

Question: the other day -- in fact, this week, you said that we, the united states, is in afghanistan and iraq by invitation. would you like to correct that incredible distortion of american history --

Mr. mcclellan: no, we are -- that's where we currently --

q: -- in view of your credibility is already mired? how can you say that?

Mr. mcclellan: helen, i think everyone in the room knows that you're taking that comment out of context. there are two democratically-elected governments in iraq and --

q: were we invited to iraq?

Mr. mcclellan: there are two democratically-elected governemtns now in iraq and afghanistan, and we are there at their invitation. they are sovereign governments, and we are there today --

q: you mean if they had asked us out, that we would have left?

Mr. mcclellan: no, helen, i'm talking about today. we are there at their invitation. they are sovereign governemnts --

q: i'm talking about today, too.

Mr. mcclellan: -- and we are doing all we can to train and equip their security forces so that they can provide for their own security as they move forward on a free and democratic future.

q: did we invade those countries?

Mr. mcclellan: go ahead, steve...

Angry movie rant...

So two jerk-offs at Time magazine (they refer to them as "movie critics") have come up with a list of the 100 best movies of all time. One movie that was conspicuously left off of the list just happens to be my favorite movie, Apocolypse Now. They also left off some notable others, such as North by Northwest that I haven't seen, so those don't piss me off as much. This isn't just a personal beef. It's not like I'm complaining that they left off Pretty Woman and I'm upset because that Julia Roberts has such a pretty smile. I mean, this is Apocolypse Now. Never mind that the American Film Institute named it the 28th best film ever made, or the fact that the editorial board of the Modern Library named "Heart of Darkness" (the novella on which it was based) one of the 100 greatest English language novels of the 20th century.

Here's what really pisses me off though.

It's more about who did make the list. It had all of your truly notables, like Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Casablanca. However, it also features such lesser known notables as 2003's Finding Nemo and the 1982 classic featuring acting hero Rutger Hauer, Blade Runner. That's right...fucking BLADE RUNNER. Blade Runner?!?!? I repeat myself only because I cannot believe they thought that Blade Runner is a better movie than Apocolypse Now. I mean...Blade Runner? Why not put Rambo III on the list? Because after all, Rambo didn't save his commanding officer from Afghani warlords, he also got a spike through his midestion, so to cauterize the wound, he was forced to pour gunpowder into his stomach and light it on fire, causing an explosion to burst out of both sides of his torso, after which he was fine. And he did this only after crawling miles through sewer pipes to escape a prison camp. Now that deserves a nod from Time magazine.

How does one define tautology? Well, it's strikingly similar to quagmire

So there's a very funny episode of the Simspons (entitled "Lard of the Dance" for those of you nerdy enough to know t.v. episodes by their titles) in which Homer tries to make money off of selling grease. In it, he has the following conversation with Bart after he's recylced the grease he got from cooking up and feeding to the dog a pound of bacon:

Homer: Woo-hoo! 63 cents!
Bart: But dad, all that bacon cost $27.
Homer: Yeah, but your mom bought it.
Bart: But doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer: And I get my money from grease...what's the problem?

The problem with this logic is that it's the same logic being used by the Bush administration in Iraq right now. As William Pfaff points out, the occupation of Iraq is what is responsible for the insurgency. It's pretty simple; the Iraqi people didn't like Sadaam, but strangley enough, they don't like someone else coming in to kill and torture them, either. The insurgency is simply a reaction to a bunch of foreignors who are killing thousands upon thousands of people. So the conversation basically goes like this:

Bush: We'll leave Iraq as soon as the insurgency stops.
Rational thought: But the insurgency only exists because they're upset about being occupied.
Bush: Yes, and we'll stop occupying them as soon as the insurgency stops.

People, say whatever you will will about the administration, but when their logic is the same logic used by Homer Simpson, it's definately time to become suspicious.

The best rap super group you've never heard of

Boston area MCs Mr. Lif and Akrobatik, along with longtime friend DJ Fakts One, have finally made it official and formed the new rap super group The Perceptionists. Their first release, Black Dialogue, is probably the best rap albulm of the year this far. With DJ Fakts dropping audio samples from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and a guest appearance by Shock G, a/k/a Humpty Hump (yes, he's still spunky and prefers a lumpier style oatmeal), it touches on both the poignant and the insignificant. The Lyrical style ranges from "Where are the weapons of mass destruction?/Been looking for months and we ain't found nothin/Hey Mr. President tell us something/Knew from the beggining yo ass was bluffin" to "Get ladies in bunches/They like the stomach so I don't do crunches."

Go support your local capitalist and get this album now.

Stop the new-cue-ler option

Folks, in case you haven't been paying attention, Bill Frist, Senate Majority Leader, is set to move through complicated parliamentary rules today to eliminate the filibuster so that he and W can move any judge they want through the senate with Democrats unable to put up any opposition. And they're actually trying to put up oposition this time.

Please take 2 minutes out of your day to call your senator and ask them to oppose removing the filibuster. This is an extremely important issue, the state of our democracy hangs in the balance, etc.

Senate Switchboard: (202) 224-3121

I'm mentally unstable, bitch!

Don't know how many of you are following the Dave Chapelle saga, but the story as to why the third season of his show isn't happening range from him being in a mental hospital in South Africa, to over-the-top partying and drugs, to taking a break for spirituality reasons, to the network suits being uncomfortable with how fas he's pushing the racial envelope. Whatever the case is, and wherever he's at, I think we all join in wishing him a speedy recovery.

And that he makes more of those shows where he makes fun of Rick James, because that's hi-larious and the joke certainley has not burned itself out!

Stating the obvious

The Iraqi government and the U.N. have released a report detailing the fact that life in Iraq is not going as well as FOX news might lead you to believe. Apparently, the "illegal, immoral, and unjust" war we have going on over there is killing tons of children and other innocent people. On top of that, the unemployment rate is sky-rocketing and income levels are dropping dramatically. At least they have some form of oil and power based plutocracy masquerading as democracy now.

Take that, imperialism!

But I thought they were a RED state...ha cha cha cha

So it turns out that He can do many things, but the one thing Jesus Christ cannot do is get a driver's liscence in West Virginia. It turns out that there is a man who has been going by the name of Jesus Christ for the last 15 years, and holds a Washington driver's liscence and passport in that name, but is being denied a driver's liscence by West Virginia because he never got his name legally changed. Read the full story here.

And as always, "I'm Not Making This Up™"

Finally, the MVP goes to a guard...who's an anti-war communist

So the NBA really has a problem with ignoring set-up men, and only giving the MVP to the finishers underneath (i.e. Kevin Garnett last year). This is why John Stockton never won an MVP award, but Shaq, who's having his worst season ever statistically and isn't even the MVP of his own team, comes in a very close second. But this year they gave the award to the guy who makes everyone else look good.

And is a huge pinko.

Steve Nash, this years MVP of the National Basketball Association, came out strongly against the Iraq war, even showing up to the All-Star game wearing a shirt that read "Shoot Baskets, Not People." He further criticised the media for failing to report the truth on the war, as well. Finally, in a move near and dear to all of our hearts, when he told the New York Times that the last book he read was the Communist Manifesto, which he read so he could better understand the previous book he read about the life of Che Guevara. Now that's my kind of athlete.

Rad about his anti-war stances here and read a humorous article about his communistic playing style here.

How far will the army go? Pretty damn far, it seems

So there's this kid in Colorado who wanted to see how desperate the Army was for just one more recruit. So he called up his local recruiter and taped the conversation. He said he had two major problems: he droppped out of high school and he has a drug problem. No problem at all, the recruiter told him, he could cimply get a fake degree online and use a detox kit (that the recruiter would pay for half of) and he would be fine. Read about it here.

Or, go here and read about the army recruiting people straight of out psychiatric hospitals. As always, I must reiterate my patented catch-phrase...I'm not making this up™!

Happy Mother's Day

As always, peaceniks like me have to ruin everything by bringing up relevant history. Mother's day actually started as a day for the advocacy of peace. It's true. Read about it here. It was initiated by Julia Ward Howe, the lady who wrote the Battle Hymn of the Republic. She had become distraught by the violence of the Franco-Prussian war and decided it was up to the Mothers of humankind to bring about peace. So she went around the world establishing a holiday for mothers to promote peace. So instead of chocolates, why not honor the true meaning of mother's day and fight for peace?

Here is the original Mother's Day proclamation
--Julia Ward Howe, 1870

Arise then, women of this day!
Arise all women who have hearts, whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
'We will not have questions decided by irrelevant agencies.
'Our husbands shall not come to us reeking of carnage for caresses and applause.
'Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy, and patience.
'We women of one country will be too tender to those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.
'From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own, it says "Disarm! Disarm!"
'The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.
'Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.'
As men have forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after his time the sacred impress not of Caesar, but of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

Brains! Brains!

Hey, if you have a minute, check out this website. I think you'll be pleasantly suprised.