Monday, February 21, 2005

Think of my career, my sweatheart dear, and my poor, old invalid aunt

Money-for-College-Ad, originally uploaded by jessewozniak.

So I received a letter (via my parent's mailbox) from LTC. Richard Guzzetta of the National Guard addressed with "Dear American." Incidentally, I have no idea what the LTC stands for--Long Time Crazy? Li'l jon is The Crunkest? Likes The Cock? I'm not sure. The point is that this fellow apparently thinks I'm a recent high school graduate and wants to recruit me into a wonderful life of army service (note the cool picture above. Presumably I can be an angry-looking, mildly-attractive girl). LTC Guzzetta informs me that I can "go to college right away." But wait! There's more! "Threats to America are everywhere...[and] you no longer have to stand on the sidelines, watching as OTHERS (his emphasis) defend America!" It brings up a great point--I am tired of cheering on other's illegal activities. I prefer to join in and cheer my own. Also, if I join, I will get my free T-shirt and DVD that the guard has so generously reserved for me. So instead of merely filling out the attached card and sending it back, I decided to send them this letter of my own, reprinted below.

I await their response.

Dear LTC Guzzetta,
I received your letter with much interest. I perused the letter, the glossy pamphlet, the return postcard, and even the National Guard website. However, since you took the time to write me an individual letter (you even knew that my real birth name is "American"), I thought it would be terrible form of me to send you such an informal reply card. It may interest you to know that my very own Uncle Jim Berger was in the military. in fact, he was a recruiter at Ohio State during the Kent State incident. Unfortunately, Uncle Jim was not the most popular man on campus after that, which I think was a really raw deal. Why did all of those kids say mean things to him, just because other people in the military (whom he didn't even know) were just doing their job killing college students? Come on, they were probably on so many drugs at the time it didnâ??t even hurt them! Classical liberal whining, if you ask me. As an interesting side note, my Uncle Jim died of lung cancer two summers past, which doctors tied to his exposure to Agent Orange during his two tours in Vietnam. Of course, you folks in the army denied all connections and never sent him a penny in remuneration, but I'm sure he understood. After all, he understood the fact that his nephew could never get a nifty shirt if you wasted all that money on sick and dying veterans. Say, is that why President Bush just massively slashed the veterans budget? But enough of my personal history. What's your story? I'm always interested in hearing the stories of those who have seen so many interesting people in their cross hairs. Please tell me about yourself in your reply letter. I think the letter you sent me was spot-on accurate. You told me that the skills I will learn in the Guard are "irreplaceable...[and that] they will help me succeed and advance whatever civilian career [I] eventually choose" That couldn't be more accurate. I've often thought my job would be much easier if I just had some small mortar training. That would sure make the ol' boss think twice before she chews me out for being late, know what I'm saying? I'm sure you do. I actually think I would be specially suited for the National Guard. In fact, whenever I visit my friends, I usually only mean to come over for a few minutes, expecting a warm greeting, but then I end up there for a couple of days, and the greeting seems to turn sour. I'm not sure how, but I bet this kind of experience would benefit me in Iraq. Well, I better stop writing before I start rambling. Sometimes I just keep going with something, no matter how many intelligent people tell me I should stop. Gosh, I wonder if that would help me out in the Guard? Please let me know in your reply letter. Please send me my free T-shirt and DVD.
2416 Olive Apt #7
Cedar Falls, IA 50613

P.S. Did I mention how I love standing still in formations? Oh man, I can't wait to do that.
P.P.S. Please write back!


Anonymous said...

It is unfortunate that you can not see past the combat part of the military. perhaps you should educate yourself a little more before opening your mouth.

Woz said...

Oh Anonymous, how did you find me? I've been trying to find your contact info forever! How have you been? How are your anonymous kids?

I'm not so sure I can't see past the combat part of the military. I also see the torture part, the murder of an entire family so you can rape their 14 year old daughter part, the forced to fight in a war you don't agree with part...

I think I see all the parts pretty well. But then again, what do I know? I'm not an anonymous internet attacker...