There's Possibly a God

Joining the long-line of "actresses" that trade in their (questionable) fame in one medium for an awkward atonal stab at music, Scarlett Johansson released an album of Tom Waits covers last week to charitably middling reviews.

I actually heard the single from it last week on the Current, and despite the fact that she recruited (read: paid enough money to) Bowie to sing some backing vocals, it could most kindly be described as completely boring and lacking of all musicianship. Well, to be fair, the arrangement was fairly interesting, but the "vocals" were just plain terrible.

As someone who fancies himself a bit of a singer (former college music major), it's really insulting when people think that just anyone who wants to can be a good singer. It actually takes work, you know. Just because you don't have to learn any fingerings or hold an instrument doesn't mean there's no talent involved. Good singers work hard for a really long time to become good singers. Hard work, practice, and some natural talent makes good singers. Sleeping with Woody Allen does not.

So I couldn't be happier that in it's first week of sales, the album has moved a middle-level college-act-worthy 5,000 units. To put this is perspective, when Kevin Federline released his terrible, terrible rap album, Playing With Fire, it sold over 6,000 copies in it's first week.

So my great enjoyment of this fact may be a bit of schaden freude, but I hope all future actresses turned singers take note that Mrs. Johansson's experiment failed to break the Federline-line and will stay the hell away from the microphone...

Gov't Crackdown Continues

The City Pages reports that the Minneapolis PD and the FBI are "looking for an informant to show up at 'vegan potlucks' throughout the Twin Cities and rub shoulders with RNC protesters" in order to gain insider information and crackdown on protesters. In an interview with an un-named informant, Matt Snyders reports that the local cops and the feds are trying to infiltrate the anti-RNC movement.

Of the two officials named in the story, one was Erik Swanson, a local of the U of M PD and too-big-for-his-britches rep for the FBI's Joint Anti-Terror Task Force. Loyal readers may remember Mr. Swanson as the fella who questioned me in my undies a few years back. Turns out he really gets off on this kind of thing, apparently. But then again, who doesn't enjoy playing dress up and pretending to be a spy? I know I sure did. You know, before I turned 6 and grew up. But hey, not everyone matures at the same pace.

Without going on too much of a Dennis Miller-esque soapboxing rant here, I'd just like to point out that while people often like to laugh at the paranoid delusions of leftists who believe the government is spying on them and out to get them might want to take just a second to read the article. As the old saying goes, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Oh, and if you're a little annoyed at this illegal violation of civil liberties, Sgt. Swanson's e-mail is swans078@umn.edu, his office phone is 612-624-9560, and his his cell is 612-290-4688.

Don't You Hate Coming Home to Bad News?

Got home from a great time visiting the folks back in Iowa, and was welcomed by a pretty shitty development in local politics. Minneapolis, following Bloomington and likely preceding St. Paul, has recently passed incredibly restrictive measures for staging a public protest. Amongst the new additions to the law citizens must get permit more than 15 days prior to the event (thus eliminating the possibility of any emergency protests) and it gives the police the right to on-the-spot amend any of the provisions of the permit as well as revoke the permit at any time for any reason. Or in other words, to effectively eliminate the possibility of any protest ever taking place that the city of Minneapolis does not want to take place. You know, the government needing to approve all forms of political expression. When the Soviet Union did this, we called it "censorship" and and a "dictatorship," but I'm sure this is completely different.

While this is clearly in preparation for the upcoming Republican National Convention, these laws will be permanently on the books, crippling all forms of political resistance for the foreseeable future. Please take a moment to contact the Minneapolis City Council members and disagree with them, while it's still legal:

Don Samuels: don.samuels@ci.minneapolis.mn.us
(612) 673-2205

Paul Ostrow: paul.ostrow@ci.minneapolis. mn.us
(612) 673-2201

Diane Hofstede: diane.hofstede@ci.minneapolis. mn.us
(612) 673-2203

Barbara Johnson: barbara.johnson@ ci.minneapolis. mn.us
(612) 673-2204

Cam Gordon:
cam.gordon@ci.minneapolis.mn.us
(612) 673-2202

Gary Schiff: gary.schiff@minneapolis.mn.us
(612)-673-2209

Mayor RT Rybak
rt@minneapolis.org

And What's Named After You?

It was recently announced that a new rare breed of spider that has just been discovered will be named after Neil Young. Yes, the designation Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi will certainly fill all that shelf space he's been setting aside for Grammys and platinum records.

The same article linked to above also pointed a rather complete Wikipedia list of people with some form of animal or insect named after them. Not surprisingly, every member of the Beatles and the Stones have an insect named after them, but somewhat surprisingly so too do every member of the Ramones and the Pistols. Sadly, though, only two of the Traveling Wilburys have such an honor, thought I expect a big Jeff Lynne fan/scientist to get on that soon.

But even better than that? Four people are listed with a specific type of beetle named after them. They are, in order: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Adolf Hitler. Yep, not making that up.

Orson Welles also gets a major shout out, with four different insects named after him and famous roles of his.

I'm thinking all of this gives me a new goal. No longer do I yearn for out-moded forms of fame like wealth or popularity; no I'm looking for the day when some obscure Ph.D. in microbiology is studying the Legionella wozniaki.

Victory Against T.C. Military Recruiters

Those irascible kids with Youth Against War and Racism (YAWR) are at it again. Fresh off a victory limiting the access of military recruiters in area High Schools, they were featured in a Fox 9 investigation last night. The investigation uncovered (surprisingly) that military recruiters in the Twin Cities are actively and continually lying to children to get them into the army, including one recruiter who "accidentally" told a potential recruit the army would give you $450,000 to start your own small business after service when the number is actually a slightly less $40,000.

As a result, 4 recruiters in the Twin Cities area have been suspended. A good victory, but the fight is not over. However, we can learn a great deal from this. Foremost, of course, is the fact that desperate recruiters will do or say pretty much anything to get you to go die in an illegal and immoral war. But just as interesting is the way in which folks all over the country have proved it's not hard at all to catch them in these lies. So if you're a young person with a video camera or tape recorder and you're sick of military recruiters sending your friends off to die, why not take an afternoon off and do some under-cover investigation?

In the meantime, you can watch the full segment here

In Case You Haven't Seen It...

The great Bill O'Reilly video has been yanked from YouTube, but fortunately, folks are keeping it alive. Check it out here.

The video *(definitely not safe for work)* stars everyone's favorite loofah/falafel salesman during his Peabody (whoops, he meant to say "Polk"...same difference) award-winning days at Entertainment Tonight, that bastion of journalistic integrity.

I won't give too much of it away, but basically it just proves that it's not the spotlight that make O'Reilly a gigantic asshole, but rather that gigantic assholes like O'Reilly search out the safety of the spotlight from which to attack the weak and powerless; assholes, of course, alays being giant cowards.

The long downslide of the best children's writer ever

As The Onion recently pointed out, the holder's of Dr. Seuss' estate are doing a terrible job taking care of his work. I don't need to go on a long rant to point out the obvious problem in continually licensing the works of a man who tried to use simple, old fashioned creativity to teach children about the hollowness of conformity and materialism for giant paychecks, terrible and poorly adapted big-budget movies, and bloated promotional schemes.

Recently, they even cracked down the Lake Elsinore Storm, a minor league baseball team trying to hold a Dr. Seuss night with green-egg-and-ham themed concessions and players wearing red and white stripped socks. In short, a classic minor league ballpark promotion. But the (dare I say it?) Grinches of the Seuss estate shut it down after demanding a $1,000 licensing fee and $4,000 security deposits for officially licensed character costumes, a price pretty much out of reach for a Single A baseball team. After all, the reason they pull these crazy stunts is to generate a sliver of revenue in the first place.

But the bright side is this resulted in the most (and probably only) clever press release in the history of press releases, penned by Matt Dompe, the Storm's director of game operations, and assistant GM Alan Benevides. The press release, in full:

The Padres affiliate, the Lake Elsinore Storm
Tried to put on a promotion that wasn't the Norm
We called it Dr. Seuss Night on our website
But something about that didn't seem right

Dr. Seuss Enterprises didn't see it as funny
They said we could do it but we didn't have the money
They didn't appreciate our publicity ploys
So we have to inform all the sad girls and boys

Through the face of it all we thought we'd persist
Until we were served with a cease and desist
The theme has been cancelled but the game will go on
Perhaps it wouldn't matter if we were in Taiwan

A Sad Day, Indeed

Sue Johanson, the woman Conan O'Brian once referred to as "the MacGuyver of sex toys," is hanging it up this weekend. Johanson's show "Talk Sex" was deliciously surreal, as the septuagenarian delivered straight-faced information on sex toys and sexually transmitted infections, as well as general sex advice.

The show was a favorite of the kids when I was in college. Not really sure why, seeing as it was like being lectured about sex by your kindly grandmother, but then again, maybe that was the appeal...I suppose there's a whole thesis in there about the secret longings of outwardly cynical youth for a kind and comforting guidance through their collegiate sexual experimentation. Or maybe it was just because it was really funny. Either way, it's sad to see her go.

Racial Disparities Persist in Drug Arrests

Human Rights Watch released a new report on the War on Drugs today, and surprisingly, African Americans are still more likely to be arrested on drug charges than their white counterparts, and far, far more likely to be sent to prison.

But you know, they should still be thankful for all we do for them...

Update: Turns out white kids do drugs, too. But note that they only get investigated after a high-profile death on a college campus. It will be interesting to see what kinds of punishments are dealt in this case.

And Abe Lincoln, a White Man, Set Them Free

Many years ago Mr. Show had a sketch in which they were desperately trying to get hate mail. So they were making really offensive racial comments and singing songs about them in order to get that much-needed hate mail. The point of the sketch was to think of the most horribly offensive things they could say and to run with them. So it opened with them having a discussion about the horrors of African slavery, which segued into the fact that Abe Lincoln was responsible for the emancipation of African slaves in America, to which they added "So to our African American friends, we say...you're welcome!"

Now, in this context, it was obvious they didn't actually believe that, and indeed found it greatly offensive to suggest such things. The whole point was that comments like that are so offensive they would guarantee them (rightly) getting hate mail.

But now Pat Buchanan has said the exact same thing, except he's serious. Instead of a joking ploy to get hate mail, he just actually believes that African Americans should be thankful for all that white people have done for them, save possibly that awkward 400-year period where we were kind of still feeling out how our relationship was going to work.

In fact, he doesn't just say that they should be grateful, he says that "no people anywhere has done more to lift up blacks than white Americans." You know, except for the 4 centuries of slavery, the century of legally-enforced apartheid, and the continuing racial disparities in all major health, education, income, wealth, and well-being measures. Other than that, yeah, white people have been pretty good to blacks.

You know, it's getting really hard to make good ironic sarcasm these days when conservatives are literally repeating old comedy sketches about the most offensive statements possible as if they were intelligent insights...

Another Reason to Hate the News

10 days ago, the New York Times reported a large (and illegal) program of Pentagon-backed pro-military commentators that were pushed onto news shows to deliver government propaganda. What's that you say? You haven't heard of this? Maybe it's because not a single major news network has covered it. Apparently an illegal program of government propaganda designed to push us into an illegal war that has killed over 1,000,000 people is just not that interesting.

But you know what is interesting? When Hillary recently challenged Barak to a "Lincoln-Douglas" style debate, this is the photo Fox news used:



Remember, Douglas is the pro-slavery one...

The Simpsons Shame Game

As I've noted before, I've got an ongoing project to see who, if anyone, could ever complete the trifecta of guest appearances on The Simpsons, Futurama, and Family Guy. To my knowledge, it's never been done. And I put far more faith in my knowledge of Fox sunday-night cartoon shows than I do my knowledge in sociology, and I'm getting a Ph.D. in sociology.

My council has always had the idea kicking around of compiling a list of Simpsons guest stars who have died. When you really start to add it up, it's testament to both how long the show has been on and its incessant need for trendy guest stars when you see how many people have passed since their appearance. But after watching the softball episode the other day, I got to thinking of another interesting category: how many people have been publicly shamed since their appearance on the Simpsons? Sort of a Simpsons jinx, if you will.

That list actually gets pretty long as well. I mean, look at the players featured in the softball episode: Roger Clemens' steroid use is only slightly less obvious than Bonds', things haven't worked out so great for Daryl Strawberry, and well, the less said about Jose Canseco, the better. And the next pro baseball player to appear on the Simpsons? Oh, a little fella by the name of Mark McGwire.

And yesterday the news broke that recent guest star/soccer great Ronaldo was questioned by police after picking up some transvestite prostitutes. And the proud tradition carries on...

Hegemonic Keyboards (Part II in a never-ending pop-pedagogical series)

Hegemony is a seemingly simple concept that is often difficult to get across to people. Developed most intensely by the Italian Marxist theorist Antonio Gramsci, it's essentially the "soft" side of the state that comes to the fore in liberal democracies. Instead of simply using brute force to control the mass of people (as was done in previous social formations and is still done in many places today), most capitalists lead through ideology. In the place of repressive force, we instead have schools that emphasize timeliness and obedience to authority, churches that emphasize accepting one's place in life, a media that posits ours as the best nation in the world, etc. Hegemony refers to the notion that through these ideological apparatuses people are not only conditioned to accept the world as it is, but to see it as the only world possible, no mater how irrational or dangerous that world may actually be. Thus, force can be reserved only for the few who don't get it, while the majority would never even think of rebelling.

The standard QWERTY keyboard is a great example. Though it's hard to ascribe to it the same importance as the imperialist capitalist powers that Gramsci was discussing, it's still a great example of hegemony.

Why? Two words, my good friend: CAPS LOCK.

I just used the caps lock button to write that, and it marks the first time in my life I've ever intentionally used it. Think about it yourself -- when is the last time you meant to use the caps lock button? Better yet, how many times in your life have you ever meant to use it? And now contrast that with how many times you've accidentally hit it and been really annoyed. My ratio between accidental strokes of the caps lock key to intentional ones is roughly 1,067,592:1.

Not only is a completely useless button (there are already two shift keys, which fulfill the exact same function), but it also gets some of the most prime real estate on the keyboard. Right next to A, the third most commonly used letter in the English language.

Why? Why put the most useless button next to one of the most commonly used? Why, because the QWERTY keyboard has achieved a hegemonic position amongst keyboards. Even though in many ways its designed is fundamentally flawed (it was actually originally designed to slow the pace of typing, after all), it is rarely questioned. Because of its hegemonic position, most people have a difficult time imagining any other keyboard design.

So there you have it, hegemony explained. And in the process, we've discovered the first priority of the revolution: to abolish the caps lock key.

Incidentally, I just found out that next spring I'll be teaching my very own course for the first time...so...keep that on your calendars

Catholicism and an Island Full of Lizards

Being Catholic is a weird spot to be in in today's America, mostly because people who aren't Catholic don't really get it. We're definitely Christians (actually, the original Christians), but the similarity between us and the crazy-ass fundamentalist assholes who running around spewing hypocrisy and fellating strangers in public bathrooms pretty much stops at having the same God.

Evolution is a great example. Unlike the protestants, we've believed in evolution for quite awhile now. Sure, it took us longer to get there than some, but it's been that way since before I was born, so it seems like a long time to me. But yet when people find out I'm a Christian, they tend to assume that means being some weird anti-science zealot.

But the point of this post isn't to be about how there's so much more variety in the Church than people think there is, because there's been plenty of that written and yet people are still incredibly misinformed, but in the way that most people are misinformed about most all religions.

No, the point is that recently scientists have discovered that an Italian lizard introduced to the island nation of Croatia in the early 1970s has already greatly evolved in a scant 30-some years. The animal's bodies have changed so as to become vegetarians when they were formerly bug eaters, getting new teeth, a different-sized head, and extra organs to digest the new food sources.

It's a pretty fascinating development and it will be really interesting to see what kind of discoveries come from this, but I just wanted to take the opportunity to point out that I'm a member of the Christian denomination that sees this as an interesting scientific development, not an assault on our way of life and a heretical attempt to challenge the infallible wisdom of God.

The Fun of Juxtaposing Headlines

Two headlines on the strib today, seemingly unrelated. First, the Vikings have signed Jared Allen, possibly the best pass rusher in the NFL. Buried about halfway through the article is that the Vikes are taking a risk because Allen has two DUIs and if he gets another will most likely be suspended for a year. Which is a long time to sit out for a guy they just handed $31 million to.

The next headline? Minnesota ranks third highest amongst all states in DUI arrests.

Now given that the top 5 are, in order, Wisconsin, North Dakota, Minnesota, Nebraska, and South Dakota (way to go Dakotas!), I don't think Mr. Allen could have come into a worse situation given his particular proclivities. But on the plus side, I feel like I now have an answer for when folks from warmer climates ask what we do all winter.

Oh, and I have a new activity for the winter: Jarred Allen DUI pools. My money's on mid-November, when it just starts to get cold enough for him to realize where he's moved to.

Cautiously Optimistic

If i could i would keep this feelin in a plastic jar
bust it out whenever someone's actin hard
settle down, barbeque in the backyard
the kids get treats and old folks get classic cars
everyday that gets passed is a success
and every woman looks better in a sun dress

In the great frozen North, we're always treated to a fake spring every year. Every March there will be one week of gorgeous mid-60 degree weather and the shorts will start to come out and everyone will think it's grand, and then two days it's snowing.

But this is the third straight day of 60 degree weather and I'm starting to let myself believe it's actually spring now...seeing as it's the 22nd of April. Better late than never, I suppose.

And that's the great thing about nice weather; it's kind of like a puppy. No matter how aggravating it can be in its behavior, you forgive it as soon as you look into its spring/puppy eyes. Ok, bad metaphor, but the point is that the weather makes everything better. Even studying and writing are not so bad with the windows open, birds chirping, and the radio playing good music. I'd most definitely keep this feeling in a jar...

ActiFest Line Up Announced

For those of you in/around the Twin Cities, the schedule for ActiFest was recently finalized. Check it our here.

It's a fairly easy one-stop shop for progressive organization in the Twin Cities and on the U campus, so it should definitely be on your calendar.

For those of you not in the Twin Cities area...do your part by finding a conservative person and punching them in the back of the head today.

Concert Review Kimya Dawson w/ L'Orchidée d'Hawaï and Angelo Spencer

Though I'm sad to admit it was my first time there, the little lady and I caught a great show last night at the Cedar Cultural Center, conveniently located across the street. And I must say, I was blown away by the space. It's an awesome venue, not to mention a non-profit run by volunteers focused solely on putting great shows for affordable prices (for example, Billy Bragg will be there in June for $20...can't beat that).

But last night's show--unexpectedly one of the best shows I've sen in a long while. It may just be the fact that I really haven't been getting out to shows much lately, but it was a doozy.

Opening Acts:

Angelo Spencer: The first of two French acts, which was the first unexpected part of the show. A typical single guitar player with a bass drum and hi-hat for accompaniment...think Joe Buckyourself, but more folky. Pretty good, but fairly generic. Also, at several points in time during the show, he insulted the English system of measurement. Look, I sez it before, and I'll sez it again: my car gets 40 rods to the hogs head and that's the way I likes it, dammit.

L'Orchidée d'Hawaï: Go find their CD right now and buy it. These guys blew me away, both with an incredible stage presence and some of the best music I've heard in a long while. They're kind of a surf/country/doo wop sound...like Dick Dale meets early Buddy Holly, but French. Songs ranged from bittersweet broken heart fair, to happy frolicking good times, to covers of obscure Japanese surf ballad instrumentals, to traditional Italian love songs. Do yourself a favor and go to orchidee-hawai.com right now and check them out. I've already listened to the CD start to finish twice this morning. These guys may have been an opening act, but they completely owned the show. It's a fairly rare occasion when the audience begs the opening act for an encore, but is fine with it when the headliner announces she's done.

Headliner: Kimya Dawson

I know there's a bit of Kimya Dawson backlash after the surprising success of Juno and it's equally surprisingly successful soundtrack, but it's not because of anything she's done, it's just a standard hipster pissing contest. She was mostly doing songs off of her upcoming children's album Alphabutt and some old classics. She was pretty good throughout the night (though I was hoping for an update on her rumored deal to be a semi-regular on Sesame Street, but it never came), but she's not much of a live performer. As Krissy pointed out, it's fun to listen to her albums, but she brings pretty much nothing to the live show. Just sitting there motionless with her eyes closed as she rattes off song after similar-sounding song. I don't mean to say it wasn't good, but by the end, it started to drag a wee bit. Maybe it's just because it was late on a wednesday night.

Overall, though, a fine show. Incidentally, the Cedar is in the midst of a huge push for donations (again, they're a non-profit, so they largely subsist on donations) and have a matching donation program this month, so your dollars count double. It's a great venue putting on some cool shows and it would suck to lose it, so chip in a few bucks if you can.

My 400th Post

I realize this is a completely meaningless milestone, but what you are reading, dear friend, is my 400th post on this humble li'l blog. The post that follows has nothing to do with this fact, but I thought you'd like to bask in the glory inherent in such a momentous event.

But anyhoo, anyone I talk to on any form of a regular basis is familiar with my unceasing praise of the The Av Club, the back page of The Onion that has become it's own full-fledged house of cultural criticism. It's perfect for the young snarky hipster (or those with a young snarky hipster hidden deep inside of them), but not in an alienating way. Think Pitchfork if it weren't written by assholes.

But mostly I love it for the way in which it allows aging cool kids such as myself the ability to act like they're still up on the underground, even though they've long lost the time and inclination necessary to be on the cutting edge of music/movies/all forms of popular art.

For example, in just one day today, I've both learned that Bill Cosby is finally putting his money where his mouth is and producing a rap album (take that, Cornell West!) and I got pointed in the direction of several killer (and free) mixtapes.

I know this is a weak cop-out of a post, but it's that time of the semester where I feel like my mental powers should probably be dedicated to more worthwhile pursuits. But hey, if I can't come up with anything good, at least I know how to point you in the direction of something better. And I'm pretty comfortable with that.

So then what exactly is rape?

The verdict is in in the rape trial of Dominic Jones, and he's not guilty of rape, but instead was convicted of "unwanted sexual contact with a physically helpless woman."

For those of you not in the know, Jones, along with 3 other U of M football players, videotaped themselves having sex with a woman who had already passed out and did some pretty graphic stuff to her that even I feel is too shocking to repeat here.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not so naive as to think our criminal justice system works as it's supposed to. I completely understand how deals are cut and pleas are made, and that only very few people are ever convicted of the crime they committed. And I know that this more than often goes the other way, with people being punished far more harshly than their crime warrants, especially in the case of young African-American males.

But even I, the flaming leftist, have a problem with this ruling. To repeat, the man videotaped himself having sex with a woman who was passed out. I don't know that there could a more textbook definition of rape.

Now I'm not arguing they should lock him up for some obscene amount of time, but the man clearly at least needs some counseling. Because he not only obviously knew he was raping her (again, she was fucking passed out), but he also videotaped himself doing it, and did some rather disgusting shit to her in the process. Clearly he doesn't even view women as human beings, let along people deserving of his respect. And by barely punishing him, the court is completely legitimizing that world view, not just for him, but for the many people who have followed this trial.

As someone who's known quite a few activists who have gone to jail, let me put the proposed 8 month sentence in perspective. When one goes to the School of the Americas (now the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security and Cooperation), the school that teaches Latin American strongmen how to rape and kill nuns, and in protest walks on the base to ask the soldiers to stop teaching and arming these right-wing thugs, they receive a 6 month jail sentence. When you rape a passed out woman and videotape it to share with your friends, you receive an 8 month sentence.

So to recap: asking people to stop raping and murdering people: 6 months in jail. Raping people on videotape while you laugh about it: 8 months.

Good thing that whole "women's liberation" dealie is over, or people might be upset about this...