Why I love my life...

Being a grad student can be difficult at times...long hours, late nights, all of them spend in the company of nerds.

But then again, it does have its privileges. Enter the Graduate Research Partnership Program. Having successfully obtained one, I'm off to study police riots. But of course, how can one study such events in Minneapolis?

That's why in a few short hours I will find myself on a plane to attend the United for Peace and Justice mass mobilization against the war in New York. Then next weeked, it's off to the TASER coporation's annual conference in sunny Las Vegas, Nevada.

All on the University's tab.

Sometimes being nerd isn't all that bad...

Political Housekeeping

Don’t forget, the April 28th Walkout against the war is here…in two days.



Come out and stand up against war and look for the extra sexy Master of Ceremonies at the rally at the U..and look for me.

Then join us for the march down to MCTC for a concert against the war featuring Dessa, I Self Divine, Brother Ali, and many more kick-ass local groups.

Be there!

Best cartoon voiceover ever?

So last night when watching the new episode of Family Guy (man, that show has still not lost steam, even though it really looked like it would, but that's another post), I was thrilled to hear the voice of Betty White reading taped erotica. As you all know, Betty is the second hottest Golden Girl behind Bea Arthur, who voiced femputer in an episode of Futurama.

Betty, however, was also in an episode of the Simpsons (fundraising for Public Television). This got me wondering, has anyone ever pulled the cartoon hat trick? Could anyone be cool enough to have voiced on the Simpsons, Futurama, and Family Guy? It would seem likely to have some similarities between the Simpsons and Futurama, given their same creator, but could anyone do all three?

Turns out, the answer is no.

But there were some interesting facts pulled out of this search (graduate study makes you want to spend large amounts of time diverting yourself with inane subjects such as this). For example, both George Takai and Leonard Nemoy have pulled off appearances on both Groening shows. James Woods has been a central character of both a Simpsons episode and a Family Guy episode, although he can sadly never claim the same for Futurama. Bob Barker (no relation to the prison supply company Bob Barker industries) represents the best shot at the trifecta, as he has appeared on Futurama and the Family Guy (perchance the nerds of the world should be pestering FOX for a Barker guest spot on the Simpsons...I mean, what better do they have to do?)

So there you have it. Not that you ever wanted to know.

I am so fucking sexy!

Great News! I am at least the 3,248,079,000th sexiest person in the world!

Recently, the Boston Phoenix came out with the list of the 100 unsexiest men, lead by the nasally-voiced Gilbert Gottfried and including such luminaries as Dr. Phil and Carrot Top. Though it has some notable missing persons (no Dom Delouise?!? Hello?!? Do they not watch Hollywood Squares?), it is probably more notable for who is not on the list.

Me.

That's right! While I may not be the most popular person with the ladies, I'm not on the list. Thus, according to world population estimates, I have to be at least the 3,248,079,000th sexiest person in the world, outranking even Brad Pitt (no kidding, check out the list), long known to be the only man I would be willing to forsake my years of paintakingly crafted heterosexual identity for.

But come to think of it, nearly all of the men on the list are from America, with the only exceptiong being Osama Bin Laden, and given the trouble we've had finding him, he may well be in America. As such, that means I have to be at least the 146,679,000 sexiest man in America!

I'm 146,679,000!
I'm 146,679,000!

Whoo!

Too bad I'm taken, ladies. You've all missed out on your chance to get with someone in the top 146,679,000. Losers.

This is what you'll get, when you mess with us...

Probably my most boring and insipid post ever, just so you're warned.

For the past few days I've been siuck and out of commission, so I haven't done much, and thus have very little to blog about. Which got me thinking about the whole purpose of this li'l ol' blog. Initially, when I started it, I was hoping to make it all in-your-face politics, much like my very existance. But it since has devolved mostly into pointless music ramblings, semi-humorous life event histories, and (of course) blatant self promotion.

In short, despite my best efforts, instead of making this blog into a semi-resource for those interested in local and national politics, it already started to devolve into the pointless self-reflective whining I so hate about the internet.

So I figure, why fight it? I'm pretty sure the only 2 people reading this are my close friends anyway, so I'm going to give up the ghost of appealing to an audience that doesn't know me, an instead trying to make some humor for the people who actually go out of their way to read this.

Besides, if I'm going to his the readership of a feather-haired prof or even a cantankerous law student, I'm going to have to give some more entertaining content anyway. So here's to that.

New highs and lows...

The president's approval rating sits at 33% today, which is not much of the country. More interesting than that, though, is the fact that more people think we should teach creationism in our schools than approve of the president.

Now this tells us many things, but I think these are most compelling:
A) More people believe in batshit crazy stories about fairies and wizards than believe in the president, and...
2) Even the batshit crazy people who voted for him don't like him anymore

Now, a petty person mght say something like "See people, I told you he was fucking terrible, and you had two chances to elect someone else, but you wanted him, and now see what you got."

But I'm not a petty person, so I'll just leave it unsaid.

¡National Strike!

MONDAY, MAY 1st--National Strike for Immigrant Rights! The Great American Boycott!

Imagine a day without immigrants!

Building off of the success of the national marches for immigrant rights, the 1st of May (international labor day) has been chosen as the day for all peoples everywhere who are concerned with the rights of immigrants to take part in a general strike, not going to work and not purchasing anything.

Demand amnesty for all undocumented works!
Demand a no vote on the racist H.R. 4437!

This is not a flash in the pan, but the beginning of a major movement, the likes of which this nation has not seen since the civil rights era. Please do everything you can to help out what will go down as one of the most important events of this decade.


And it's not just us, the movement is going international.

God bless you, William Sloan Coffin, R.I.P.

William Sloan Coffin died yesterday.

Coffin was a very progresive minister, organizer of the first Peace Corps training, co-organizer of the Freedom rides with MLK, a character in Doonesbury, and spent his last days opposing the Iraq war and "trying to find some justice for my homoexual friends," as he put it. I remember him most from a special episode of Now! with Bill Moyers, mostly because that episode featured footage of me and soem friends getting arrested at the STARC aromory in Johnston, IA, a move that subsequently got several of my friends called before a federal grand jury. But the interview with Coffin was the most revealing.

He said:

"It's one thing to say witht he prophet Amos 'Let justice roll down like mighty waters,' and quite another to work out the irrigation system"

The world is a worse place today because Coffin is not in it.

Have anarchists finally become useful?

I don't really hate anarchists. I mean, some of my best friends are anarchists. I just think anarchism is not necissarily the way to go. As a good friend/old professor dude once asked "How are they going to deal with drunk drivers? Organize a talking circle?"

Maybe that's being a bit unfair. But I do usually like to point out that poorly photocopied 'zines about why you shouldn't wear deoderant are unlikely to foster the revolution, which may or may not come as a shock to you, depending on the amount of 'zine reading you do. (In a note of disclosure, I read no 'zines. They scare me, and I'm much more comfortable with your traditional book and/or magazine format.)

But I may be coming around, for I have finally found the answer. It is the Tacitical Ice Cream Unit! The TICU is a high-tech anarchist mobile that goes around distributing (free) ice cream and agit-prop. From their website:

Although the TICU appears to be a mild-mannered vending vehicle, it harbors a host of high-tech surveillance devices including a 12-camera video surveillance system, acoustic amplifiers, GPS, satellite internet, a media transmission studio capable of disseminating live audio/video, and of course, ice cream. With every free ice cream handed out, the sweet-toothed citizenry also receives printed information developed by local progressive groups. Thus, the TICU serves as a mobile nexus for community activities while providing frosty treats and food-for-thought.



While I wonder where anarchists got the money for such a project (GPS? 12 camera surveillance system? Iced cream?), I have to admit it's a pretty damn good idea. The critic in me wants to dewll on the fact that they seem to only be using it at events where everyone already probably agrees with them, rathing than roaming the streets and taking it to the people, but I gotta admit this is one of the coolest ideas I've seen in a long damn time.

I would say kudos to anarchists, but they wouldn't want the kudos, and I'd probably have to sit through a half-hour lecture on why kudos are a fascist, imperialist, capitalist, sexist, homophobic, racist, and anti-choice conception, so instead I'll just say...yay!...for ice cream!

Si, se puede!

(sorry, I've not yet figured out how to make the upside-down exclamation mark. Turns out my computer skills, much like my Spanish skills, are pretty much non-existant)

It what turned out to be one of the largets marches in the history fo Minnesota, over 30,000 people turned out yesterday for the March for Immigrant Rights. With massive protest all over the nation, most notable the 1,000,000 people marching in Califronia, the sleeping giant that is the Hispanic-American movement has awakened once again.

All of this has been enacted in reponse to the racist House bill H.R.4437, a bill that would instantly make all undocumented Americans felons, as well as anyone who has ever helped them in anyway. It also begins another push at that rediculous new Great Wall project that wingnuts have been begging for since we first stole half of Mexico.

So (with a tip of the hate to Josh Scimshaw), to make a long story even longer but in summarizing it, give it the illusion of brevity, the movement is strong, but it needs your help. Please contact your representatives today and tell them to oppose the new segregation.

As Ceaser Chavez would ask: "Can we do it? Si, se puede!"

161-1?!?

"We're gonna win Twins. We're gonna score. We're gonna win Twins. Watch that baseball soar. Knock out a home run. Shout a hip-hooray! Cheer for the Minnesota Twins today!"

Ah, spring, the time a young man's fancy truns very far away from studies and veers toward baseball...and girls...but mostly baseball.

It was quite depressing last night to watch El Presidente lose his first start of the year. Sure, I know they have to lose one here and there, but the first game of the year?!? And it was all my fault, because I was too busy reading very un-baseball related texts. They rallied when I skipped reading to watch a bit of the game, but their spirit's were too deflated to keep going when I had to turn it off.

But what a difference a day makes! I put off all that annoying (and extremely pressing) studying to rally my boys, and the responded. They dumped 13 runs on some good Blue Jays pitching, roughly equaling the amount of runs they've scored from the year 200 until now. Could this be the year their bats catch up to their pitching? I don't want to jinx it, but I did have a very strong urge to get all 5 Homer Hankies out...

Ok, maybe it's a bit early for that, but it sure as hell beats studying.

How do you spin this?

So you're a Republican, and everything is either the fault of terrorists or their friends, the liberal media. It's a pretty simple formula that works pretty well, most of the time. But how do you spin this to be no one's fault?

A Department of Homeland Security spokesman has been arrested on charges of attempting to seduce a child. In fact, he was arrested on seven accounts, and had even given his goverment-issue cell phone number to a detective posing as a 14-year old girl. The conversations he had with the "girl" online were so graphic the police said they had never heard anything so disgusting before. He has admitted to the charges and turned himself in.

Sounds pretty open and shut, right?

No! Far from it! Obviously, he's not guilty, he's a victim of the liberal media machine steamrolling over innocent Christians (of which I can only assume he is one) because of their hatred for all that is good and pure.

Remember, these are the same people that have shot a man in the face and gotten away with it, declared "mission accomplished" despite the massive growing totals of casualties and gotten away with it, have openly admitted to illegal wiretapping and gotten away with it, and invaded another country illegaly and are still getting away with it. On top of that, anyone who points out how rediculous this all is must be anti-American, anti-family, anti-Christian, and anti-everything that is good and holy.

Just makes you wonder how they're going to be able to make child molestation a family value, doesn't it?

The joys of statistical research

I'm not a statistician (which would explain my lack of aeronautical experience) and I don't even come close to enjoying statistics in any way, shape, or form. However, criminologists love stats, so I feel the need to do some.

But if you're running a stats equation that has (roughly) 56,000,000,000 cases (not joking), it takes for ever. Thus, your time is freed up to write stream-of-consience plays. Although this is not funny, it did take me 15 minutes to write. It will take you 2 minutes to read. Please do not judge me by it.


A Play That is Not Funny
By Jesse Wozniak

Dude 1: Dude 2, time for a little smokey smokey!

Dude 2: (nervously pacing the room)Man, now is not the time or the place.

Dude 1: What do you mean? It’s always both the time and the place for smoking.

Dude 2: Usually I would agree with you, my esteemed colleague. But right now I’m in the middle of a zen-like revelation about the continuity of the universe.

Dude 1: Woah, dude 2. Sounds like I need to smoke up to hear this shit! (Begins rolling joint)

Dude 2: Not so fast, hombre. I need you at 135% to hear this particular shit.

Dude 1: (discards joint, does line of coke instead) At 135 and ready to go, good sir!

Dude 2: Good. Maybe you should sit down for this. (Dude 1 sits on floor) I just realized that the entire universe is connected.

Dude 1: Dude 2, you must be losing it. That’s not new. I realized that like 10 years ago during a performance by Stairway to Rock, the Led Zeppelin cover band.

Dude 2: I know, and I read your ‘zine about it. But I have proof.

Dude 1: Proof that’s even more convincing than a poorly Xeroxed rant written by someone on hallucinogens?

Dude 2: Yes.

Dude 1: Woah…do tell.

Dude 2: Do you remember the short-lived Fox television series, Mef and Red?

Dude 1: Easily, it was one of the very few short-lived Fox television shows that was cancelled with good cause.

Dude 2: Exactly. As you will well recall, it starred the ever-interchangeable Method Man and Red Man of the Wu-Tang clan.

Dude 1: Don’t forget a magnificently talented supporting player in Nancy Walls.

Dude 2: Yes, the only Daily Show correspondent to move on to another show prior to the Colbert report, but that is not relevant to the story. As you will also recall, in between running from the FBI and before his untimely death, the Wu Tang clan used to feature Ol’ Dirty Bastard, a/k/a Dirt McGirt, a/k/a Big Baby Jesus.

Dude 1: Of course.

Dude 2: Well then you will also remember that ODB’s one mainstream hit was the song “Got yo money,” in which a buxom young lady sang the chorus of “Hey, Dirty, baby I got yo money.”

Dude 1: Yes, it was quite the catchy tune.

Dude 2: Well, then you will also remember that this particular young lady went by the name of Kelis, and in addition to minor success of her own as a solo artist, also is married to Nas.

Dude 1: Again, common knowledge.

Dude 2: Well, then you may have recently noticed that Nas and Jay-Z have finally patched up their long-standing beef.

Dude 1: Sure, it made quite the headlines.

Dude 2: Exactly. And if you had paid attention, you would have known the beef started with Jay-Z boasting that he had an affair with Nas’ baby-momma and Nas firing back that the jigga man had a distinct resemblance to J.J. “dy-no-mite” Evans.

Dude 1: Amongst other things.

Dude 2: Exactly. But what fewer people know is that J.J. Evans once starred in a series of commercials for the rapidly-disintegrating Little Ceasar’s pizza chain.

Dude 1: Fucking "pizza, pizza" dude!

Dude 2: Yes, we all loved those commercials. But did you know that a single supreme pizza of theirs contains 2,700 calories and 104 grams of fat?

Dude 1: No way!

Dude 2: Oh, it’s quite true. But as one can gleam from the infamous “pizza, pizza” chant, you did not receive a single pizza with your order, but rather two pizzas of equal size.

Dude 1: Of course. You could share with a friend or loved one, unlike all other pizza chains, which force your friends and loved ones to go hungry whilst you eat a pizza by yourself.

Dude 2: Yes, we all loved their generosity.

Dude 1: Totally. But what is the point of this?

Dude 2: Remember when we used to get high and watch Mef and Red and order Little Caesars’ pizzas?

Dude 1: Fuck yeah. Wacky Wednesdays in the house!

Dude 2: Well, I think I’m having a heart attack. (Dude 2 slumps over dead)

Dude 1: Woah.

FIN.

Put the muthafuckin' Fresca down...

Once I had a fellow small-towner, in all seriousness, asked "What's there to do in Minneapolis that you can't do in Davenport, IA? I mean, you hang out, you go out to bars, what else is there?"

The answer is, of course, a whole hell of a lot. But I couldn't really put it into the proper words. Until now, of course.

Sunday night, I caught my first ever Doomtree show, in support of P.O.S.'s latest album (incidentally, great interview with him on this week's Onion A.V. Club). For those not in the know, Doomtree is the little brother rap collective to the quite-reputable RhymeSayers Entertainment, which boasts the nationally-known act Atmosphere (local boys), as well as heavy hitters MF Doom and Brother Ali.

It was a fucking great show, with an awesome home-coming vibe, seeing as how the crew just finished a two-month tour of our fair nation. But there's always somehitng a bit more special about seeing a show with all these people who live a couple of blocks away from you, hang out at the same places you hang out, and rap about people and places you know. A kind of connection to the music beyond the fact that it's just good music.

Just for the record, you will never know that feeling living in Iowa.

So I guess that's the difference.

Best cover band ever?

There are plenty of cover bands in existance, some humorous (think Me First and the Gimme Gimmes), some quite serious (think any shitty local band playing exclusively songs written by their hero/god, typically some crappy stadium-anthem 70s rockers). However, a few relly stand out above the frey. But which one is the best?

1) 2 Lives Jews...Seminal Album: As Kosher as They Wanna Be

Riding the wave of Hebrew-based rap popularity in the wake of Paul's Boutique, the album seemed to grip the attention of a nation entering the 90s bent on slick production and clever rhymes. Largely a joke act, but the track "Young Jews Be Proud" ranks them up there with notable gentiles.

2) The Misfats...Seminal Album: Does not exist

Billing themselves as "the fattest Misfits cover band," they knock out hardcore tributes re-written to reflect their largess, such as "Diet, Diet My Darling" and "Mommy, Can I Go Out and Grill Tonight?" Have received the approval of Michael Graves, which is as good as 1/3-1/2 a Glen Danzig, so you can tell they're pretty legit.

3) Dred Zepplin...Seminal Album: Live at the Cabooze in Minne-Jah-polis

A Led Zepplin cover band that adds reggae beats, with a lead singer dressed like fat Elvis. It really seems like they need no more description, as they're pretty much the band that all of us at one point or another have figured we would start, but never got around to it. Not surprisingly, have received approval of Robert Plant.


There you have it, the top 3 cover bands.

And as always, "I'm not making this up!"™

Ahh, life in the big city...

Giant anti-war rally this past saturday (can you find me in the picture? It's like the hippie version of Where's Waldo) with somewhere between 4,000 and 5,000 peeps trekking through the cold and snow to show their disapproval of idiocy. More amazing, though, is the number of supportive bystanders, many of whom hopped in line and joined the march. Much more different than the reception you get back home. Just as impressive, though, is the fact that this was supposed to be a *small* march, as only a few 1,000 fliers were handed out. Nice to see people willing to give up a saturday afternoon to show some love.

Everyone in the Twin Cities area, don't forget to mark your calendars for the huge walkout coming up on the 28th of April.

And in other news...


I know this is two college-basketball posts in a row, but this one is kinda political, if you think about it. This past weekend, Candace Parker became the first woman to dunk in the NCAA tournament, doing it not once, but twice in a single game, the first time that has ever happened in a women's basketball game. I usually don't cheer for the team that beats their opponent 102-54, but it was hard not to cheer for the Volunteers during this one.

Nothing's sweeter than the 16 which bears that particular moniker

Although I know that college athletics deprive the arts and sciences from much-needed funding (according to a reputable source) it's still hard not to go crazy when your small-time, no-name, middle-of-nowhere school makes it to the big dance.

So it follows that when some jerk at CBS says your little ol' conference doesn't deserve to have four teams in, you get upset. More upset than you would be to be seen in public with the league-leading shittiest moustache.

Well, turns out the teams get upset as well. The Missouri Valley Conference (motto: the little conference that could) has now advanced two teams to the Sweet Sixteen, with a good chance of getting at least one of those teams to the Elite Eight.

Still think they don't belong? Ask Kansas, Pitt, Seton Hall and Tennesse (numbers 4, 5, 10, and 2, respectively) how good they think the MVC's first and fifth-ranked teams are.

Score one for the little folks.

Perusing the news...

Three things you can learn from CNN.com today:

1) A restraining order has been issued against Paris Hilton because she threatened a party planner

2) The Kinks are experiencing a musical renaissance, thanks to commercials featuring their minor, 20-year-old hits

3) Divers have discovered a new sea creature that looks like a furry, blonde lobster


And people have the audacity to claim that the news consists only of entertaining filler to distract us from real news! How dare they?!?


UPDATE: According to other sources, there is apparentlysome sort of war going on.I don't think it's much to worry about, though. Haven't heard anything about it in the news.

Kirby is in dire need, and Minnesota is as well

Most people already know by now, but former Twins star Kirby Puckett had a stroke yesterday, followed by immediate surgery. He is now in critical condition in an Arizona hospital.

Anyone who grew up in or near Minnesota knows that Kirby is hands down the most beloved superstar this state has ever, and probably will ever, see. From his cutely pudgy little-guy frame to his scrappy ball play, he embodied everything about Minnesota Twins baseball. Not flashy, not overly talented, not even necissarily in good physical shape, he mustered up all that he had every day to give us good, sound play.

I've been a Kirby fan all my life, even before the Game 6 that was probably the best world-series performance by any single player in the history of the game. I'll also always be quick to point out that he was on second and would have scored if the run when necessary when Danny Gladden scored from third in the bottom of the 10th on Gene Larkin's world-series winning single. I was there for his final game, and there for his jersey retirement, which are both bigger feats when you have to drive 4 hours to see the game.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the little guy right now.

We just truly are terrible people

The U.S. state department has recently rejected the visa application of two Iraqi women whose husbands were killed by the U.S.. These women were invited by peace groups to do a speaking tour centered on ending the U.S. occupation of Iraq.

The real kick in the pants, though?

The reason they were denied entry is because they do not have enough family in Iraq to ensure they will return.

Terrible, just terrible.