Blah, blah, blah, politics, blah, blah, blah

Not feeling too creative this morning (it is 9:30 on a saturday morning after all) but I caught this little gem over on the CNN website and had to pass it along. In a nationally representative poll, it appears that Americans favor Clinton over Bush by a margin of 2 to 1. Now, I'm not a particularly huge fan of Bill Clinton (I tend to agree with Michael Moore that he was the best Republican prez we've ever had), but for a sitting "war president" to be ranked rediculously lower than a man who was impeached on issues such as "who does more to divide the country" and "who does a better job with foreign affairs" is pretty damn sad, if you ask me. Not even to mention the fact that on questions of the economy and who does more for the average American, Bush was favored by only 26% and 25%, respectively. Now, we know that about a little over 30% of registered voters proclaim themselves Republicans, meaning that even self-identified Republicans are beginning to notice what a fuck up he is.

But if you're like me and you likes the visuals, then I think that this says it all:

My how things change...

The L.A. Clippers, voted worst sports franchise in history by Sports Illustrated, known as "the Simpsons of major league basketball"(a bit of a stretched refference), and all-around blackhole of number one draft picks has not only made it to the playoffs, but won an entire series! Not only that, but they've won a game into their next series! Some people think they could actually win this series as well, putting them well past any point they've ever been to.

Think about this--this means that the Clippers are better than all of these teams:
Philly
Orlando
Boston
Toronto
Charlotte
Atlanta
New York
Utah
New Orleans/Oklahoma City (Best location ever?)
Seattle
Houston
Golden State
Minnesota
Portland
Milwaukee
Washington
Indiana
Chicago
Sacremento
Memphis
Denver
and the Lakers

All of you, hang your heads in shame, for you can no longer at the end of a terrible and disappointing season shrug your shoulders and say "Well, at least we're not the Clippers."

Lifestyles of the rich and the...Jesse?!? (Part II of an ongoing series)

Me

Out to Vegas this past weekend for a conference. On the way there, possibly the most magical thing that has ever happened in my life took place. I, Jesse Scott Genesius Wozniak, simple graduate student, friend of man, woman, and child alike, was bumped up to first class.

First fucking class!

And let me tell you, it is everything I ever dreamed it would be and oh-so-much more. First of all, you get to board before all the riff-raff. Hell, I'd already finished a (free) beer by the time the peasants were even allowed on board. So I let loose my elbows (because I had elbow room) and enjoyed free drink after free drink. When the lady came by with the big basket of (free) snacks and I only took a banana, she confusedly looked at me and asked "Is that all?" and I probably betrayed my class origins by saying "I can have all I want?" and then piling snacks into my lap.

Ahh, but nothing wonderful lasts forever, and soon my ride was over, and I was shuttled away to the very, very shitty hotel I was staying at.

The conference went quite well, but that's an entirely different story, and I don't even know how much of it I'm a liberty to say here, so I'll leave that for later.

Then, the gambling. Oh, the gambling. You see, I've never been to Vegas before. In fact, the only previous time I've ever been gambling was when I once played a dollar at the quarter slots at Mystic Lake to kill time before a wedding of a cousin of mine taking place in nearby Prior Lake. So needless to say, I've had little experience.

But this did not stop me from saddling up at a 3-6 Hold 'Em table and trying my luck. I had some great luck initially (first-class luck, you could say) and there was an older dude, probably in his late 50s/early 60s, who was trying to knock me off my game with snarky little commens like "I didn't know they let 18 years olds in casinos now" and such things. But here's where it gets good, because the story makes me look cool, and nothing, I mean nothing, ever makes me look cool. Anyhoo, I get pocket Sigfried and Roy (wchich is two Queens, for those of you outside the Vegas loop), so I play it. I flop a full boat, Queens full of Nines, and he ends up eventually with two pair. Anyway, I know I've got him beat, so I sucker him in with some slow play, making him think he's got me. Finally he calls me and lays down his two pair, confidently eyeing me and saying:

"How old are you, anyway?" with a luagh and a snort.

So I throw down my full house, showing him and everyone else at the table that I've beat him, and simply reply

"Old enough to take your money" as the dealer hands me all of his chips.

Even though the free casino drinks started to catch up with me and I eventually lost all of my money, nothing can sour that moment.

Except, of course, a loss of money in the three digits. And catching a cold. And being tired as hell because of jet lag the whole weekend.

So finally, our hero is forced to slink back home, penniless, sick, and in coach.

But all in all, it was a damn good time.

Report from N.Y.C.

Things learned in big-city New York this weekend:

A) If you want anything in the world, you can find it on the street in New York. Seriously. You want a Che Guevara belt buckle? Done. You want a framed picture of a poodle that has been dyed pink? Easy. You want a shirt that makes little gramatical sense but advocates the use of marijuana? You've got 1,000s of choices.

B) Major demonstrations are always fun.
I've been to more than a few in my day, and even though this one was for research, I was still glad I was there. Good times.

C) The police are semi-biased.
Yeah, predictable coming form me. But here's an instance for you: 5 guys walk into the middle of the demonstration, threatening people and challenging them to fights. Those demonstrating call over police officers and tell them to arrest these guys because they're trying to start fights. The police walk over, exchange pleasantries with the jerks, and then let them go right back into the crowd to try to pick more fights. Compare to one demonstrator tells someone on the street to fuck off, and the cops immediately swoop in an detain him. One could argue that this makes them not the neutral arbitraters of law and order that we're told they are.

D. Sociologists are nerds.
New York City--possibly the greatest city in the world. I'm there on a saturday night, and what am I doing? Sitting holed up in a little coffee shop intensely pouring over and revising my fields notes because time is of the essence when you might forget things. Then going to be bed at 11 because you're tird form all that writing.

And most importantly...

E) New York has the coolest things to see in the world

Four words: The Museum of Sex.

Convienently located next door to the hotel I was staying in. Well, well worth the admission price.

Why I love my life...

Being a grad student can be difficult at times...long hours, late nights, all of them spend in the company of nerds.

But then again, it does have its privileges. Enter the Graduate Research Partnership Program. Having successfully obtained one, I'm off to study police riots. But of course, how can one study such events in Minneapolis?

That's why in a few short hours I will find myself on a plane to attend the United for Peace and Justice mass mobilization against the war in New York. Then next weeked, it's off to the TASER coporation's annual conference in sunny Las Vegas, Nevada.

All on the University's tab.

Sometimes being nerd isn't all that bad...

Political Housekeeping

Don’t forget, the April 28th Walkout against the war is here…in two days.



Come out and stand up against war and look for the extra sexy Master of Ceremonies at the rally at the U..and look for me.

Then join us for the march down to MCTC for a concert against the war featuring Dessa, I Self Divine, Brother Ali, and many more kick-ass local groups.

Be there!

Best cartoon voiceover ever?

So last night when watching the new episode of Family Guy (man, that show has still not lost steam, even though it really looked like it would, but that's another post), I was thrilled to hear the voice of Betty White reading taped erotica. As you all know, Betty is the second hottest Golden Girl behind Bea Arthur, who voiced femputer in an episode of Futurama.

Betty, however, was also in an episode of the Simpsons (fundraising for Public Television). This got me wondering, has anyone ever pulled the cartoon hat trick? Could anyone be cool enough to have voiced on the Simpsons, Futurama, and Family Guy? It would seem likely to have some similarities between the Simpsons and Futurama, given their same creator, but could anyone do all three?

Turns out, the answer is no.

But there were some interesting facts pulled out of this search (graduate study makes you want to spend large amounts of time diverting yourself with inane subjects such as this). For example, both George Takai and Leonard Nemoy have pulled off appearances on both Groening shows. James Woods has been a central character of both a Simpsons episode and a Family Guy episode, although he can sadly never claim the same for Futurama. Bob Barker (no relation to the prison supply company Bob Barker industries) represents the best shot at the trifecta, as he has appeared on Futurama and the Family Guy (perchance the nerds of the world should be pestering FOX for a Barker guest spot on the Simpsons...I mean, what better do they have to do?)

So there you have it. Not that you ever wanted to know.

I am so fucking sexy!

Great News! I am at least the 3,248,079,000th sexiest person in the world!

Recently, the Boston Phoenix came out with the list of the 100 unsexiest men, lead by the nasally-voiced Gilbert Gottfried and including such luminaries as Dr. Phil and Carrot Top. Though it has some notable missing persons (no Dom Delouise?!? Hello?!? Do they not watch Hollywood Squares?), it is probably more notable for who is not on the list.

Me.

That's right! While I may not be the most popular person with the ladies, I'm not on the list. Thus, according to world population estimates, I have to be at least the 3,248,079,000th sexiest person in the world, outranking even Brad Pitt (no kidding, check out the list), long known to be the only man I would be willing to forsake my years of paintakingly crafted heterosexual identity for.

But come to think of it, nearly all of the men on the list are from America, with the only exceptiong being Osama Bin Laden, and given the trouble we've had finding him, he may well be in America. As such, that means I have to be at least the 146,679,000 sexiest man in America!

I'm 146,679,000!
I'm 146,679,000!

Whoo!

Too bad I'm taken, ladies. You've all missed out on your chance to get with someone in the top 146,679,000. Losers.

This is what you'll get, when you mess with us...

Probably my most boring and insipid post ever, just so you're warned.

For the past few days I've been siuck and out of commission, so I haven't done much, and thus have very little to blog about. Which got me thinking about the whole purpose of this li'l ol' blog. Initially, when I started it, I was hoping to make it all in-your-face politics, much like my very existance. But it since has devolved mostly into pointless music ramblings, semi-humorous life event histories, and (of course) blatant self promotion.

In short, despite my best efforts, instead of making this blog into a semi-resource for those interested in local and national politics, it already started to devolve into the pointless self-reflective whining I so hate about the internet.

So I figure, why fight it? I'm pretty sure the only 2 people reading this are my close friends anyway, so I'm going to give up the ghost of appealing to an audience that doesn't know me, an instead trying to make some humor for the people who actually go out of their way to read this.

Besides, if I'm going to his the readership of a feather-haired prof or even a cantankerous law student, I'm going to have to give some more entertaining content anyway. So here's to that.

New highs and lows...

The president's approval rating sits at 33% today, which is not much of the country. More interesting than that, though, is the fact that more people think we should teach creationism in our schools than approve of the president.

Now this tells us many things, but I think these are most compelling:
A) More people believe in batshit crazy stories about fairies and wizards than believe in the president, and...
2) Even the batshit crazy people who voted for him don't like him anymore

Now, a petty person mght say something like "See people, I told you he was fucking terrible, and you had two chances to elect someone else, but you wanted him, and now see what you got."

But I'm not a petty person, so I'll just leave it unsaid.

¡National Strike!

MONDAY, MAY 1st--National Strike for Immigrant Rights! The Great American Boycott!

Imagine a day without immigrants!

Building off of the success of the national marches for immigrant rights, the 1st of May (international labor day) has been chosen as the day for all peoples everywhere who are concerned with the rights of immigrants to take part in a general strike, not going to work and not purchasing anything.

Demand amnesty for all undocumented works!
Demand a no vote on the racist H.R. 4437!

This is not a flash in the pan, but the beginning of a major movement, the likes of which this nation has not seen since the civil rights era. Please do everything you can to help out what will go down as one of the most important events of this decade.


And it's not just us, the movement is going international.

God bless you, William Sloan Coffin, R.I.P.

William Sloan Coffin died yesterday.

Coffin was a very progresive minister, organizer of the first Peace Corps training, co-organizer of the Freedom rides with MLK, a character in Doonesbury, and spent his last days opposing the Iraq war and "trying to find some justice for my homoexual friends," as he put it. I remember him most from a special episode of Now! with Bill Moyers, mostly because that episode featured footage of me and soem friends getting arrested at the STARC aromory in Johnston, IA, a move that subsequently got several of my friends called before a federal grand jury. But the interview with Coffin was the most revealing.

He said:

"It's one thing to say witht he prophet Amos 'Let justice roll down like mighty waters,' and quite another to work out the irrigation system"

The world is a worse place today because Coffin is not in it.

Have anarchists finally become useful?

I don't really hate anarchists. I mean, some of my best friends are anarchists. I just think anarchism is not necissarily the way to go. As a good friend/old professor dude once asked "How are they going to deal with drunk drivers? Organize a talking circle?"

Maybe that's being a bit unfair. But I do usually like to point out that poorly photocopied 'zines about why you shouldn't wear deoderant are unlikely to foster the revolution, which may or may not come as a shock to you, depending on the amount of 'zine reading you do. (In a note of disclosure, I read no 'zines. They scare me, and I'm much more comfortable with your traditional book and/or magazine format.)

But I may be coming around, for I have finally found the answer. It is the Tacitical Ice Cream Unit! The TICU is a high-tech anarchist mobile that goes around distributing (free) ice cream and agit-prop. From their website:

Although the TICU appears to be a mild-mannered vending vehicle, it harbors a host of high-tech surveillance devices including a 12-camera video surveillance system, acoustic amplifiers, GPS, satellite internet, a media transmission studio capable of disseminating live audio/video, and of course, ice cream. With every free ice cream handed out, the sweet-toothed citizenry also receives printed information developed by local progressive groups. Thus, the TICU serves as a mobile nexus for community activities while providing frosty treats and food-for-thought.



While I wonder where anarchists got the money for such a project (GPS? 12 camera surveillance system? Iced cream?), I have to admit it's a pretty damn good idea. The critic in me wants to dewll on the fact that they seem to only be using it at events where everyone already probably agrees with them, rathing than roaming the streets and taking it to the people, but I gotta admit this is one of the coolest ideas I've seen in a long damn time.

I would say kudos to anarchists, but they wouldn't want the kudos, and I'd probably have to sit through a half-hour lecture on why kudos are a fascist, imperialist, capitalist, sexist, homophobic, racist, and anti-choice conception, so instead I'll just say...yay!...for ice cream!

Si, se puede!

(sorry, I've not yet figured out how to make the upside-down exclamation mark. Turns out my computer skills, much like my Spanish skills, are pretty much non-existant)

It what turned out to be one of the largets marches in the history fo Minnesota, over 30,000 people turned out yesterday for the March for Immigrant Rights. With massive protest all over the nation, most notable the 1,000,000 people marching in Califronia, the sleeping giant that is the Hispanic-American movement has awakened once again.

All of this has been enacted in reponse to the racist House bill H.R.4437, a bill that would instantly make all undocumented Americans felons, as well as anyone who has ever helped them in anyway. It also begins another push at that rediculous new Great Wall project that wingnuts have been begging for since we first stole half of Mexico.

So (with a tip of the hate to Josh Scimshaw), to make a long story even longer but in summarizing it, give it the illusion of brevity, the movement is strong, but it needs your help. Please contact your representatives today and tell them to oppose the new segregation.

As Ceaser Chavez would ask: "Can we do it? Si, se puede!"

161-1?!?

"We're gonna win Twins. We're gonna score. We're gonna win Twins. Watch that baseball soar. Knock out a home run. Shout a hip-hooray! Cheer for the Minnesota Twins today!"

Ah, spring, the time a young man's fancy truns very far away from studies and veers toward baseball...and girls...but mostly baseball.

It was quite depressing last night to watch El Presidente lose his first start of the year. Sure, I know they have to lose one here and there, but the first game of the year?!? And it was all my fault, because I was too busy reading very un-baseball related texts. They rallied when I skipped reading to watch a bit of the game, but their spirit's were too deflated to keep going when I had to turn it off.

But what a difference a day makes! I put off all that annoying (and extremely pressing) studying to rally my boys, and the responded. They dumped 13 runs on some good Blue Jays pitching, roughly equaling the amount of runs they've scored from the year 200 until now. Could this be the year their bats catch up to their pitching? I don't want to jinx it, but I did have a very strong urge to get all 5 Homer Hankies out...

Ok, maybe it's a bit early for that, but it sure as hell beats studying.

How do you spin this?

So you're a Republican, and everything is either the fault of terrorists or their friends, the liberal media. It's a pretty simple formula that works pretty well, most of the time. But how do you spin this to be no one's fault?

A Department of Homeland Security spokesman has been arrested on charges of attempting to seduce a child. In fact, he was arrested on seven accounts, and had even given his goverment-issue cell phone number to a detective posing as a 14-year old girl. The conversations he had with the "girl" online were so graphic the police said they had never heard anything so disgusting before. He has admitted to the charges and turned himself in.

Sounds pretty open and shut, right?

No! Far from it! Obviously, he's not guilty, he's a victim of the liberal media machine steamrolling over innocent Christians (of which I can only assume he is one) because of their hatred for all that is good and pure.

Remember, these are the same people that have shot a man in the face and gotten away with it, declared "mission accomplished" despite the massive growing totals of casualties and gotten away with it, have openly admitted to illegal wiretapping and gotten away with it, and invaded another country illegaly and are still getting away with it. On top of that, anyone who points out how rediculous this all is must be anti-American, anti-family, anti-Christian, and anti-everything that is good and holy.

Just makes you wonder how they're going to be able to make child molestation a family value, doesn't it?

The joys of statistical research

I'm not a statistician (which would explain my lack of aeronautical experience) and I don't even come close to enjoying statistics in any way, shape, or form. However, criminologists love stats, so I feel the need to do some.

But if you're running a stats equation that has (roughly) 56,000,000,000 cases (not joking), it takes for ever. Thus, your time is freed up to write stream-of-consience plays. Although this is not funny, it did take me 15 minutes to write. It will take you 2 minutes to read. Please do not judge me by it.


A Play That is Not Funny
By Jesse Wozniak

Dude 1: Dude 2, time for a little smokey smokey!

Dude 2: (nervously pacing the room)Man, now is not the time or the place.

Dude 1: What do you mean? It’s always both the time and the place for smoking.

Dude 2: Usually I would agree with you, my esteemed colleague. But right now I’m in the middle of a zen-like revelation about the continuity of the universe.

Dude 1: Woah, dude 2. Sounds like I need to smoke up to hear this shit! (Begins rolling joint)

Dude 2: Not so fast, hombre. I need you at 135% to hear this particular shit.

Dude 1: (discards joint, does line of coke instead) At 135 and ready to go, good sir!

Dude 2: Good. Maybe you should sit down for this. (Dude 1 sits on floor) I just realized that the entire universe is connected.

Dude 1: Dude 2, you must be losing it. That’s not new. I realized that like 10 years ago during a performance by Stairway to Rock, the Led Zeppelin cover band.

Dude 2: I know, and I read your ‘zine about it. But I have proof.

Dude 1: Proof that’s even more convincing than a poorly Xeroxed rant written by someone on hallucinogens?

Dude 2: Yes.

Dude 1: Woah…do tell.

Dude 2: Do you remember the short-lived Fox television series, Mef and Red?

Dude 1: Easily, it was one of the very few short-lived Fox television shows that was cancelled with good cause.

Dude 2: Exactly. As you will well recall, it starred the ever-interchangeable Method Man and Red Man of the Wu-Tang clan.

Dude 1: Don’t forget a magnificently talented supporting player in Nancy Walls.

Dude 2: Yes, the only Daily Show correspondent to move on to another show prior to the Colbert report, but that is not relevant to the story. As you will also recall, in between running from the FBI and before his untimely death, the Wu Tang clan used to feature Ol’ Dirty Bastard, a/k/a Dirt McGirt, a/k/a Big Baby Jesus.

Dude 1: Of course.

Dude 2: Well then you will also remember that ODB’s one mainstream hit was the song “Got yo money,” in which a buxom young lady sang the chorus of “Hey, Dirty, baby I got yo money.”

Dude 1: Yes, it was quite the catchy tune.

Dude 2: Well, then you will also remember that this particular young lady went by the name of Kelis, and in addition to minor success of her own as a solo artist, also is married to Nas.

Dude 1: Again, common knowledge.

Dude 2: Well, then you may have recently noticed that Nas and Jay-Z have finally patched up their long-standing beef.

Dude 1: Sure, it made quite the headlines.

Dude 2: Exactly. And if you had paid attention, you would have known the beef started with Jay-Z boasting that he had an affair with Nas’ baby-momma and Nas firing back that the jigga man had a distinct resemblance to J.J. “dy-no-mite” Evans.

Dude 1: Amongst other things.

Dude 2: Exactly. But what fewer people know is that J.J. Evans once starred in a series of commercials for the rapidly-disintegrating Little Ceasar’s pizza chain.

Dude 1: Fucking "pizza, pizza" dude!

Dude 2: Yes, we all loved those commercials. But did you know that a single supreme pizza of theirs contains 2,700 calories and 104 grams of fat?

Dude 1: No way!

Dude 2: Oh, it’s quite true. But as one can gleam from the infamous “pizza, pizza” chant, you did not receive a single pizza with your order, but rather two pizzas of equal size.

Dude 1: Of course. You could share with a friend or loved one, unlike all other pizza chains, which force your friends and loved ones to go hungry whilst you eat a pizza by yourself.

Dude 2: Yes, we all loved their generosity.

Dude 1: Totally. But what is the point of this?

Dude 2: Remember when we used to get high and watch Mef and Red and order Little Caesars’ pizzas?

Dude 1: Fuck yeah. Wacky Wednesdays in the house!

Dude 2: Well, I think I’m having a heart attack. (Dude 2 slumps over dead)

Dude 1: Woah.

FIN.

Put the muthafuckin' Fresca down...

Once I had a fellow small-towner, in all seriousness, asked "What's there to do in Minneapolis that you can't do in Davenport, IA? I mean, you hang out, you go out to bars, what else is there?"

The answer is, of course, a whole hell of a lot. But I couldn't really put it into the proper words. Until now, of course.

Sunday night, I caught my first ever Doomtree show, in support of P.O.S.'s latest album (incidentally, great interview with him on this week's Onion A.V. Club). For those not in the know, Doomtree is the little brother rap collective to the quite-reputable RhymeSayers Entertainment, which boasts the nationally-known act Atmosphere (local boys), as well as heavy hitters MF Doom and Brother Ali.

It was a fucking great show, with an awesome home-coming vibe, seeing as how the crew just finished a two-month tour of our fair nation. But there's always somehitng a bit more special about seeing a show with all these people who live a couple of blocks away from you, hang out at the same places you hang out, and rap about people and places you know. A kind of connection to the music beyond the fact that it's just good music.

Just for the record, you will never know that feeling living in Iowa.

So I guess that's the difference.

Best cover band ever?

There are plenty of cover bands in existance, some humorous (think Me First and the Gimme Gimmes), some quite serious (think any shitty local band playing exclusively songs written by their hero/god, typically some crappy stadium-anthem 70s rockers). However, a few relly stand out above the frey. But which one is the best?

1) 2 Lives Jews...Seminal Album: As Kosher as They Wanna Be

Riding the wave of Hebrew-based rap popularity in the wake of Paul's Boutique, the album seemed to grip the attention of a nation entering the 90s bent on slick production and clever rhymes. Largely a joke act, but the track "Young Jews Be Proud" ranks them up there with notable gentiles.

2) The Misfats...Seminal Album: Does not exist

Billing themselves as "the fattest Misfits cover band," they knock out hardcore tributes re-written to reflect their largess, such as "Diet, Diet My Darling" and "Mommy, Can I Go Out and Grill Tonight?" Have received the approval of Michael Graves, which is as good as 1/3-1/2 a Glen Danzig, so you can tell they're pretty legit.

3) Dred Zepplin...Seminal Album: Live at the Cabooze in Minne-Jah-polis

A Led Zepplin cover band that adds reggae beats, with a lead singer dressed like fat Elvis. It really seems like they need no more description, as they're pretty much the band that all of us at one point or another have figured we would start, but never got around to it. Not surprisingly, have received approval of Robert Plant.


There you have it, the top 3 cover bands.

And as always, "I'm not making this up!"™

Ahh, life in the big city...

Giant anti-war rally this past saturday (can you find me in the picture? It's like the hippie version of Where's Waldo) with somewhere between 4,000 and 5,000 peeps trekking through the cold and snow to show their disapproval of idiocy. More amazing, though, is the number of supportive bystanders, many of whom hopped in line and joined the march. Much more different than the reception you get back home. Just as impressive, though, is the fact that this was supposed to be a *small* march, as only a few 1,000 fliers were handed out. Nice to see people willing to give up a saturday afternoon to show some love.

Everyone in the Twin Cities area, don't forget to mark your calendars for the huge walkout coming up on the 28th of April.

And in other news...


I know this is two college-basketball posts in a row, but this one is kinda political, if you think about it. This past weekend, Candace Parker became the first woman to dunk in the NCAA tournament, doing it not once, but twice in a single game, the first time that has ever happened in a women's basketball game. I usually don't cheer for the team that beats their opponent 102-54, but it was hard not to cheer for the Volunteers during this one.

Nothing's sweeter than the 16 which bears that particular moniker

Although I know that college athletics deprive the arts and sciences from much-needed funding (according to a reputable source) it's still hard not to go crazy when your small-time, no-name, middle-of-nowhere school makes it to the big dance.

So it follows that when some jerk at CBS says your little ol' conference doesn't deserve to have four teams in, you get upset. More upset than you would be to be seen in public with the league-leading shittiest moustache.

Well, turns out the teams get upset as well. The Missouri Valley Conference (motto: the little conference that could) has now advanced two teams to the Sweet Sixteen, with a good chance of getting at least one of those teams to the Elite Eight.

Still think they don't belong? Ask Kansas, Pitt, Seton Hall and Tennesse (numbers 4, 5, 10, and 2, respectively) how good they think the MVC's first and fifth-ranked teams are.

Score one for the little folks.

Perusing the news...

Three things you can learn from CNN.com today:

1) A restraining order has been issued against Paris Hilton because she threatened a party planner

2) The Kinks are experiencing a musical renaissance, thanks to commercials featuring their minor, 20-year-old hits

3) Divers have discovered a new sea creature that looks like a furry, blonde lobster


And people have the audacity to claim that the news consists only of entertaining filler to distract us from real news! How dare they?!?


UPDATE: According to other sources, there is apparentlysome sort of war going on.I don't think it's much to worry about, though. Haven't heard anything about it in the news.

Kirby is in dire need, and Minnesota is as well

Most people already know by now, but former Twins star Kirby Puckett had a stroke yesterday, followed by immediate surgery. He is now in critical condition in an Arizona hospital.

Anyone who grew up in or near Minnesota knows that Kirby is hands down the most beloved superstar this state has ever, and probably will ever, see. From his cutely pudgy little-guy frame to his scrappy ball play, he embodied everything about Minnesota Twins baseball. Not flashy, not overly talented, not even necissarily in good physical shape, he mustered up all that he had every day to give us good, sound play.

I've been a Kirby fan all my life, even before the Game 6 that was probably the best world-series performance by any single player in the history of the game. I'll also always be quick to point out that he was on second and would have scored if the run when necessary when Danny Gladden scored from third in the bottom of the 10th on Gene Larkin's world-series winning single. I was there for his final game, and there for his jersey retirement, which are both bigger feats when you have to drive 4 hours to see the game.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the little guy right now.

We just truly are terrible people

The U.S. state department has recently rejected the visa application of two Iraqi women whose husbands were killed by the U.S.. These women were invited by peace groups to do a speaking tour centered on ending the U.S. occupation of Iraq.

The real kick in the pants, though?

The reason they were denied entry is because they do not have enough family in Iraq to ensure they will return.

Terrible, just terrible.

Congratulations!

Lucky you, the one whom is viewing this humble li'l weblog at this very moment, for you are in all likelihood the 1,000th person to ever view this page! Whoot!

This blog was established in the year of our Lord, 2005 on the 19th of February. Ahh, those were heady times, were they not? I was still a humble, small-town Iowa boy, the nation was unaware of illegal wiretaps and other such scandals, and an aging Joe Piscapo was contemplating a run for the governor of New Jersey. It felt like we, as a nation, could accomplish anything, and this blog was borne of that spirit. I like to think it carries a little of that bright-eyed optimism forward to this day.

1,000 visitors since that day also means (by my caculations) that I've been averaging roughly 2.7322404371584699453551912568306 visitors per day, which isn't too bad for a guy with very little interesting to say. But it must also be noted that I was out of the country for 5 weeks with little access to computers and no time for blogging, so you could actually reconfigure the number to be more in the area of 3.0211480362537764350453172205438 visitors per day, but that would be kinda splitting hairs.

In short, it is you, the faithful, the people, the true believers, that have made this all possible. Here's looking to thousands more visits!


YOU

What's in a name?

Ahhh..the magical cycle of life. Children grow from being helpless little people who must be fed and cared for, to being independent adults, back to being little old people who must be fed and cared for. It's a magical cycle of which we are all a part. So, too, is my name.

The name Wozniak is similar to the English surname Carter, meaning a person who drives a cart. It is belived to have been derived from the root woz, meaning wagon or cart. Thus, my humble little nickname has grown from Woz up to Wozniak, and then paired back down by protestants who have the inability to recognize anything unlike themselves and cannot pronounce anything that does not end in "son" back down to Woz. Ahh, the cycle is complete.

In other possible interpretations, it has also been said to have been derived form Wozny, meaning a town crier. Here's where in my younger days I would have included some sort of hard-core agit prop statement about how I'm still the town crier, waking the masses up from their brainwashed slumber, but now I realize that would make me look like a douchebag, so I'll stick with the cart story.

Too good to be true...

Dick Cheney has just "accidentally" shot a man on a quail-hunting trip.

Accidentaly? While quail hunting? Or did this particular man know too much...

No, I'm not really that crazy. But I am too mentally tired after trying to do statistics all day to figure out something hilarious to write about this. Come up with your own funny quip, and post it as a comment. It will be the first ever "Entertain Yourselves, Damnit!" contest on this little blog o' mine. Winner to receive congratulations, losers to receive years of scorn. Or are you too afraid to try?

In other news, Howzi has pointed out that, unbeknownst to me, Gene Keady has retired. Now we are left only with Coach Crazy E of the Harts Creek (WV) highschool basketball team. Let's hope he gets hired up to the next level.

The cycle of life...

In yet another turn in the revolving door that is collegiate coaching, central casting movie villen/Chris Uggen's brunette doppleganger Quin Snyder has stepped down form Mizzou's head-coaching job. Where does this leave the world of college basketball? I'll tell you where--this leaves us with only Gene Keady's hilariously inept comb-over to provide us with some sideline excitement.

A sad, sad day indeed for basketball coaches with humorous appearances.

R.I.P. F.U.K.

It's a sad, sad day as the long-running FUK garage has finally been shut down by the authorities both as a fire hazard and illegal bootlegging operation. A sad day for D.I.Y. culture and for punk music, both in Iowa and general. There was really something magical going on in there. Much like the stove-pipe hat to Frosty the Snowman, this magical little place put a pep in the step and a sparkle in the eye of all Iowa punks, not to mention a nice little stop for so, so many awesome, awesome bands. A sad, sad day.



the mattresses that song long offered protection, a force for ramming people, padding for crazy aerobatics, and mops for sweat. they will be missed most of all

Who let the president write his speech?

Apparently several White House staffers thought it would be hilarious to let the president write a paragraph or two of his State of the Union address. "What's the worst that could happen?" they asked themselves, chuckling heartily at the appearance of another "misunderestimated" or "is our children learning" coming out of him and improving his image as a folksy village drunk/idiot.

But then the terribly unforseeable happened.

In a moment of stupidity/drunkeness/coke-fuelled rage, the president and former owner of Arbusto Oil (literaly: Shrub Oil) announced his intention to cut foreign-oil imports by 75% by the year 2025. Such a bold stance from an oil man and fella who doesn't seem to care too much for the environment.

Well, it turns out that he may have been exaggerating. His much calmer and much more well-informed advisors have been quick to point out that the number of 75% was just an example and that he didn't mean it "literally".

Ah! So that's it! It was all metaphorical. Like when a professor gives you a 95 on a test and tells you that you got an "F", explaining that he didn't mean 95 literally, you dumb-ass flunkie.

Because I know you don't read the newspaper...

Mother of dead soldier/new political activist Cindy Sheehan wasarrested last night at the State of the Union for wearing a t-shirt. Meanwhile, Alito has been confirmed.

Say goodbye to this and this.

The humorous power of juxtaposition

Abridged from Sirota blog:

To see just exactly what Republicans are doing to us, in the least crazy-ass conspiracy theorist way you can, you need only look at what they're saying and what reality is. It helps to put them side by side for easy comparison.

From the Chicago Tribune:

"President Bush, campaigning for a continuation of his tax cuts as a spur for the nation's economy, came today to a fast-growing place with the lowest unemployment in Virginia....'Things are going fine,' Bush said today. 'The fundamental question facing us is what do we do to keep it going. Well, first thing is, Congress needs to make the tax relief permanent."

From the New York Times:

"Millions of low-income people would have to pay more for health care under a bill worked out by Congress, and some of them would forgo care or drop out of Medicaid because of the higher co-payments and premiums, the Congressional Budget Office says in a new report. The Senate has already approved the measure, the first major effort to rein in federal benefit programs in eight years, and the House is expected to vote Wednesday, clearing the bill for President Bush."

In Summary:

Make the rich people pay less money, make the poor people pay more money.

Miracle Mice and Powerful Popes

Three distinct miracles have occured in the past week, all having their own implication for the future of our humble planet's fragile geo-political system.

First, the late Pope John Paul II has finally garnered one of the two miracles it will take him to become a saint. Of course, Pope Benedict already cheated on the rules a bit by suspending the usual 5-year "cooling off" period necessary before sinthood, enacted under Pope Brady XIV, to prevent Catholics, drunken off of love for their late friends and communal wine, to Canonise people who didn't really deserve it. Trust me, there's always an ackward point when you wake up one morning, roll over in bed, and realize you just beatified a total porker.

But speaking of cooling off, a Syracuse researcher has finally determined once and for all that "cool" is the best slang word ever. Though it may or may not be attributable to the late Pope, he did at least compile a list of slang words that aren't as hip as cool.

Finally, there are mice engaging in various water sports. Yes, they've been trained in bath tubs, and while the animal-rights crazies are complaining as usual, their trainer insists it's not cruel and that the mice are enjoying every minute of it. I think we may have our second miracle!

Jet Ski Mouse

Surfing Mouse

The Problematics of Criminological Labels

In my continuing quest to educate one and all, I'm presenting the first of a (hopefully short) series of educational posts. A little learning never hurt anyone, except for the people in this professor's class.Anyway, a while back, professor and humorous blogger Chris Uggen posted an interesting story about a 25 year old Floridian school teacher who was arrested for having sex with a 14 year old student and commented on how it is very difficult to have one category ("sex offendor") to apply to people who committed such various crimes.

Unfortunately, it's quite a common case in the way our nation deals with those who find themselves on the wrong side of the law. For example, recently an off-duty police office in New York was shot by fellow officers while he was trying to apprehend someone. He did have his gun drawn before being shot, but had not fired at anyone whe he was hit twice in the leg and once in the abdomen, causing him to lose massive amounts of blood and is currently in critical condition. The article goes on to mention how this is the first "friendly fire" shooting in New York since 1994, when yet another off-duty officer was shot when he was assumed to be a criminal.

The problem is that the article fails in any way to problematize this label. While expressing shock and outrage that an off-duty officer was shot, probably to death, by several other officers, when it's mentioned that he was thought to be a criminal, it somehow seems to absolve them from any wrong doing. Because, as we all know, if he was a criminal, he deserved to be shot anyway.

Finding it difficult to say this more eloquently, I'll just note that "criminal" applies to everyone from those who speed to serial killers (although not to presidents). It helps to remmeber that one person's criminal is another person's off-duty police officer when one is debating our treatment of those we label as criminal.

Who's spying on your computer?

In yet another development, if you're reading this webpage on any major browser, someone in the government is undoubtedly aware of it. In fact, Google is the only major corporate web engine refusing to turn over their records to the feds.

If you're using AOL, Microsoft, or basically any giant web browser, everything you type in is subject to search. And if you EVER look up anything questionable (from pronography to drugs to politics), I can garauntee some underpaid intern somewhere in the NSA is checking you out, not at all sexually.

If you're offended by it, wite some letters to your paid representatives.

In the meantime, download Mozilla Fire Fox and enjoy your last few moments fo spy-free downloading before the Supreme Court decides it's not a problem.

Back in it to win it...

Sorry about the long vacation from blogging...even young political punks need time for themselves as well. So let's begin sticking it to the man (and any applicable woman), shall we?


1) Chris Matthews compares Michael Moore to Bin Laden (oh, that liberal media!):

"This is from bin Laden in the audio today. “There is no defect in the solution other than preventing the flow of hundreds of billions to the influential people and war merchants in America.” I mean, he sounds like an over-the-top Michael Moore here, if not a Michael Moore. Do you think that sells in America, that this war is being fought for the Daddy Warbucks?"

Over 70,000 people have already complained, thanks to the open letter to Chris Matthews. Check it out and let Matthews and MSNBC know how you feel: hardball@msnbc.com or (202) 824-6707

2) Letterman sticks it to O'Reilly:

You've probably already heard about it, but in case you missed Dave Letterman handing Bill O'Reilly his ass, check out the video.

3) More clear election fraud in Ohio
Jim Willis, one of several authors of a new book entited "Weird Ohio" claims that the Buckeye state has the the highest number of headless motorcycle ghosts per capita. I demand a recount!


Oh, and if you're reading this and know who Gutter Timlin is, give him a hearty handshake or a slap on the ass, because the boy turns 26 today!

It's winter time...a good time for impeachments

Over this holiday break I've had sporadic (at best) access to a decent computer, hence the light blogging and lack of creativity for this post.

So instead of witticisms, suffice it to say we all know he (and others) lied about very important issues that resulted in the deaths of thousands of people.

It's time for impeachment.

It happens the world over...

Indoneasean troops invaded a tiny island recently and deposed its leader, an australian surfer. Another fateful blow for democracy worldwide. No longer do we live under the torturous rule of surfers.

Meanwhile, the president has admitted the intelligence for the war was wrong and it's