I'm very, very petty

Or, How to Use an Old Buddy's Wedding to Make the Girl Who Broke Your Heart Jealous

I know I've blogged about this previously, but I've got a wedding this weekend that That One will be at. So, in preparation, I've come up with the following 12 ways to impress and/or make-jealous (which could be an adjective) an ex-significant other.


1) Get in shape.

2) Losing weight is hard. Fuck it. Try to read something and develop a great personality instead.

3) Reading is boring. Watch a movie and try to remember the good lines so it will look like you came up with them in casual conversation.

4) Snakes on a Plane, while very entertaining, is probably not the best movie for these purposes. But you should still go see it. It has snakes. And, not to give away too much and ruin the movie, they may or may not be in some sort of aircraft.

5) Just because you are 24, it is not garaunteed that you can grow a decent moustache. Even if you haven't shaved it for, like, two fucking months. You are doomed to look like a prepubescent Michael J. Fox forever. This has nothing to do with going to a wedding, but it is really fucked up.

6) Get dressed up all snazzy in a new outfit.

7) Clothes are really expensive these days. Fuck new clothes. Make due with what you have.

8) Have a better wardrobe than you currently have (a faded, stained Dead Kennedys shirt will only impress a very niche audience). Failing that, borrow clothes from a friend who has too much money and wastes it on pointless consumer items like clothes.

9) Realize that you don't have any rich friends.

10) Ponder how your life has gotten to this point. Make note that you need new and richer friends.

11) Take your head out of the oven and re-group.

12) Drink enough at the wedding that you think you had a great fucking time and impressed everyone with your newly-acquired urbane charm.