Monday, February 28, 2005

They're only dying for us, why should they get paid?!?

According to Senior Pentagon officials (whom never seem to have anything better to do), the Defense Department has once agained threatened not to pay our troops overseas unless they get more money in their budget. That's right folks, unless they get more money from Congress, they aren't going to pay those who are risking (and losing) their lives everyday in a pointless war.

But let's not forget, I'm the one who doesn't support our troops.

Maybe he was trying to see God...

So, just in case you haven't heard, President Bush has admitted to smoking pot. Remember when he also admitted to smoking crack? Shit, is there anything this man won't smoke? Oh, and remember how Clinton was the worst person in the world because he tried pot once? Good Lord, how does this man get away with everything? Let's hope the "Christian" right gets just as upset about this as they would if you were smoking pot. Of course, if you were smoking pot, you'd be in prison and denied the ability to get school loans. Or you would cheat your way into the White House. Either or.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Hey, remember how the anti-war movement was right about everything?

Not to toot our own collective horn, but...beep beep. Remember how weapons of mass destruction were going to kill us at any moment? And protestors said there were no weapons? Then the White House finally admitted there were never any weapons? Then remember how they were so confident that Saddam and Bin Laden were best friends? And again, the anti-war movement pointed out that this idea was rediculous? And then the President admitted there was never a connection? Then remember how they said Iraq would fall in a matter of days, and we'd be greeted as liberators? And then remember how the anti-war movement said Iraqis would resist and it would become another Vetnam? And then remember how over 1,500 troops died? And then remember how the president insisted that precision bombing would minimize civilian casualties? And the anti-war movement said tens of thousands of innocent Iraqis would get killed? And then remember how over ten thousand Iraqi civilians were killed? And remember how the war is still going?

Because I do.

This is just somehting to think about when he wants to start the next war. We're going to flood the streets and tell everyone that he's lying--and this time, could you do us the favor of believing us? Because we've been right about everything thus far, and he's been wrong about everything. It's a simple call, people.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I believe this says it all...

prose.35.gallery_normal, originally uploaded by jessewozniak.

I'm not one to schill for capitalism, but if you like the funny T-shirts (though they become more depressing when you realize they were undoubtedly stitched by a 13 year old girl at gunpoint) then you should check out this place. Busted!

Social Security, R.I.P.

At a recent campaign stop for Senator Rick "Gay people have sex with dogs" Santorum (also the name of that frothy mix of lube and other stuff that happens during anal sex, to fans of Savage Love), opponents were doing the rather usual chant of "Hey, hey, ho, ho, Santorum has got to go!" Santorum backers countered with "Hey, hey, ho, ho, social security has got to go!" Privatization? Try the end of the most successful social reform program in our nation's history. People, show some common sense. Don't let them do this.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, violence, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me"

Goodbye, Hunter S. Thompson, gonzo journalist, and sweet, sweet prince. Not only did he write great books, but he also once ran for the Sheriff of Pitkin County, Colorado (of which I'd have his campaign poster up, but it won't upload for whatever reason). Running on the Freak Power ticket, he advocated re-naming Aspen "Fat City," decriminalizing drugs and drug selling (only at cost), and even shaved his head so he could refer to his Republican rival (who had a crew-cut) as his "long-haired opponent." The man only lost by 500 votes.

He also once hosted a super-bowl party which was attended by George W. Bush.

R.I.P. Hunter

Monday, February 21, 2005

Think of my career, my sweatheart dear, and my poor, old invalid aunt

Money-for-College-Ad, originally uploaded by jessewozniak.

So I received a letter (via my parent's mailbox) from LTC. Richard Guzzetta of the National Guard addressed with "Dear American." Incidentally, I have no idea what the LTC stands for--Long Time Crazy? Li'l jon is The Crunkest? Likes The Cock? I'm not sure. The point is that this fellow apparently thinks I'm a recent high school graduate and wants to recruit me into a wonderful life of army service (note the cool picture above. Presumably I can be an angry-looking, mildly-attractive girl). LTC Guzzetta informs me that I can "go to college right away." But wait! There's more! "Threats to America are everywhere...[and] you no longer have to stand on the sidelines, watching as OTHERS (his emphasis) defend America!" It brings up a great point--I am tired of cheering on other's illegal activities. I prefer to join in and cheer my own. Also, if I join, I will get my free T-shirt and DVD that the guard has so generously reserved for me. So instead of merely filling out the attached card and sending it back, I decided to send them this letter of my own, reprinted below.

I await their response.

Dear LTC Guzzetta,
I received your letter with much interest. I perused the letter, the glossy pamphlet, the return postcard, and even the National Guard website. However, since you took the time to write me an individual letter (you even knew that my real birth name is "American"), I thought it would be terrible form of me to send you such an informal reply card. It may interest you to know that my very own Uncle Jim Berger was in the military. in fact, he was a recruiter at Ohio State during the Kent State incident. Unfortunately, Uncle Jim was not the most popular man on campus after that, which I think was a really raw deal. Why did all of those kids say mean things to him, just because other people in the military (whom he didn't even know) were just doing their job killing college students? Come on, they were probably on so many drugs at the time it didnâ??t even hurt them! Classical liberal whining, if you ask me. As an interesting side note, my Uncle Jim died of lung cancer two summers past, which doctors tied to his exposure to Agent Orange during his two tours in Vietnam. Of course, you folks in the army denied all connections and never sent him a penny in remuneration, but I'm sure he understood. After all, he understood the fact that his nephew could never get a nifty shirt if you wasted all that money on sick and dying veterans. Say, is that why President Bush just massively slashed the veterans budget? But enough of my personal history. What's your story? I'm always interested in hearing the stories of those who have seen so many interesting people in their cross hairs. Please tell me about yourself in your reply letter. I think the letter you sent me was spot-on accurate. You told me that the skills I will learn in the Guard are "irreplaceable...[and that] they will help me succeed and advance whatever civilian career [I] eventually choose" That couldn't be more accurate. I've often thought my job would be much easier if I just had some small mortar training. That would sure make the ol' boss think twice before she chews me out for being late, know what I'm saying? I'm sure you do. I actually think I would be specially suited for the National Guard. In fact, whenever I visit my friends, I usually only mean to come over for a few minutes, expecting a warm greeting, but then I end up there for a couple of days, and the greeting seems to turn sour. I'm not sure how, but I bet this kind of experience would benefit me in Iraq. Well, I better stop writing before I start rambling. Sometimes I just keep going with something, no matter how many intelligent people tell me I should stop. Gosh, I wonder if that would help me out in the Guard? Please let me know in your reply letter. Please send me my free T-shirt and DVD.
2416 Olive Apt #7
Cedar Falls, IA 50613

P.S. Did I mention how I love standing still in formations? Oh man, I can't wait to do that.
P.P.S. Please write back!

Another Republican psuedo-victory

This argument comes to me via Doug Shaw, a brilliant mathematician/dude. So many Democrats and other such folk are up in arms about abortion becoming illegal during this next Bush term, when they fail to realize that it already is. The majority of counties in America do not have an abortion clinic--in fact, there is only one in the entire state of Alabama (and right-wing nutcases have already vowed to tear it down). His point, with which I entirely agree, is that if abortions were illegal, only rich women and women living in large cities could get them, either t illegal, back-alley clinics, or overseas. Of course, now the only people that can get them are the rich women who can afford to travel the great distance required for one, or who live in big cities. Notice the similarity? Let's call our senators and try to block the judge nominations, shall we?

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Not just for Alan Keyes anymore...

So Republicans, noting the fact that they've somehow garnered a reputation as being, well...less than friendly toward black people (however could that have happened?!?!?) have found the great counter-attack. That's right, it's the 2005 Republican Freedom Calendar featuring all the great Republicans who have helped out black folk. Is there a reason why the vast majority of those listed died before the start of the LAST century? One can only wonder...